Go on

Yesterday I had a long talk with Erica about my relationship with Mel. She agreed with me in the debate I've been having for like 6 months with my therapist and mother. My therapist and mother both think that I need to continue being Mel's friend because she is my oldest friend. However this has nothing to do with how much we have both changed, and they don't realize that. I love Mel with all my heart and would do anything for her, but more often than not she makes me want to pull my hair out. And none of it is her fault, we've just changed. We've both severely damaged the relationship. And that's where I'm stuck. I can talk to her about it until I'm blue in the face but that won't change anything between us, except for creating a weird, awkward tension knowing that there are banned subjects of conversation between us, knowing that we're different people now. That shouldn't happen in a friendship, and I don't really know what to do about it.

Overboard

The other day I was hanging out with Mel, and we were at Borders. I had just remembered McFly was in a magazine, and I was desperately looking for it. Mel was following me around, saying, "What on earth are you looking for?" And when I told her, she did one of those typical, rolling-her-eyes-and-sighing things. After we had already discussed the differences between our musical tastes. After we had already discussed that she doesn't have to like the things that I like. After we had already discussed that I want her to support my tastes, just like I do hers.

She had already bought three magazines while I was still looking for the McFly magazine, including one with the Decemberists (a favourite band of hers) on the cover. She continued to follow me around, complaining: "Can we go now? Can we go now? Can we go now?" And I just kept snapping, "No. No. No." I wasn't finished looking. It was like my wants didn't matter to her. It's just frustrating that after almost 8 years of friendship, it's gotten to this point. It really makes me want to put my head through a wall.

It's real for us

For my 18th birthday, I've decided that I want a Harry Potter tattoo, after seeing so many awesome and amazing ones. Having been a fan since I was in third grade, I don't think I'll regret it. My problem is that I don't know what to get! There are so many aspects of the series and the fandom that I love and that are dear to me, that I just can't pick one. I'll have to re-read the series again with a notebook to decide what quote, image, or combination I want. I'm really excited about this; I've always wanted a tattoo but never knew what to get.

Post graduation

Today was just a plain horrible day. I was sick, dealing with shit I didn't want to deal with, along with other stuff.

I realized that I need to increase my dosage of anti anxiety, because although I no longer stress over little things, I still stress a lot over the big things (today being an excellent example of that). I realized that I still put myself down in a different way than before, and that not everything is as bright and happy as I thought it was.

Now I'm going to go upstairs and crawl into bed.

it'll be better, when we're together

I feel like this summer is going to be better than any I've ever had. I am surrounded by good friends and good vibes. I can't wait for the summer; when I'll be able to hang around with my friends all day and not worry about schoolwork, or be restricted by my parents. By the summer, I'll have my lisence, and everything will be good. I'll get a car, get a job, go on college visits. I'll write and work on my college essay, and make every day a full day. Life will be good.

The past few weeks have been mind-blowing, and through many, many summer-esque moments, I feel as if I'm finally learning how to be a teenager. Life will be good.

I've made more appointments for my onroads to get my lisence. I'm really excited to finally be finished.

I want summer, so badly.

Set me off

I've hung out with my friends for three out of the past four days this week, and it feels really good. However, I've been really panicky about whether or not I am annoying to my friends, and whether or not my friends think I am ignoring them or that I don't care about them. Because I do, I really do. My friends are everything to me, and I feel awful when I haven't talked to someone in a while, because more likely than not they think I'm a snobby bitch.

Also, people have started to think I'm bi? I hold hands with girls all the time in school, but honestly. People need to stop reading into things. I'm best friends with three bisexuals, and I accept them completely. I'm not uncomfortable holding hands with anyone. I'm slightly alarmed by the number of people who believe that rumor, but I know that it's not true and so do all of my friends, so that's all that matters for me.

However, due to circumstances last year, I'm content to ignore my love life and any possible feelings. I don't want to get hurt again.