In the nick of time

I had a month-long streak of general happiness, only to be shot to shit by my stupid ex-boyfriend and a sudden cropping up of loneliness and fights with practically everyone I know. I don't know why everything can't just go right for once.

Death's second self

I feel so overwhelmed. I'm in another fight with my mom, and she continues to call me everyday because I suppose she just hasn't gotten the message that I don't want to talk to her. And I feel that now that she doesn't have two kids in her face every day, who are tucked away at college, she feels like she has the perfect life now and has no actual interest in my life or my problems. She doesn't show sympathy or comfort when I blatantly ask for it, she doesn't remember anything that I tell her. She's more interested and more invested in the lives of her boyfriend's children, my step-siblings, than mine. And maybe its because I've been a more difficult child over the past few years, maybe because she sees stability in their lives and chaos and destruction in ours. And this weekend brought with it a few hard-hitting events for me, and she doesn't even know about them, because she doesn't care enough to ask, and she doesn't want to open my emotional pit, because it always comes spitting out on her.

I may be 19, I may be a legal adult, but I still need a mother.

Rose-tinted eyes.

It's been a whirlwind rollercoaster of a week, and I'm glad it's over. I had almost admitted defeat of finding a job this semester, when as I as signing the paper telling the University to hold my work study money until next semester, someone mentioned that a position had literally just opened up at the library. I jumped on it, and got the job. A few hours later, I had a three hour long panic attack because my mother doesn't know how to deal with me and makes all my emotions worse rather than better. I'm so scared that my life is not going to be perfect.

Chelsea and Taylor might be stopping by on Sunday, which is nice. I feel like I need this weekend to recover and catch up and prepare for the onslaught that is next week. It's a three-day week, which you'd think would be easy, except for I have two midterms to study for and I start work at the library. Thursday after work I am going home, and I cannot wait to be all alone with my mom and cats again.

Mourning.

My desperate job search is coming to a close. I have to have a job by tomorrow, and by the looks of things, I am going to be without one for the semester. I've let myself down tremendously, as this was one of my main goals of this semester- to have an income, to not be so financially dependent on my parents and call them every week to put money in my account for pills. I've found myself wondering lately, What is the point of being here? Why am I here, when I am clearly not cultivating a better me, when I am just going through the motions of living in a place where I clearly do not belong? I don't know where I belong right now. I don't know how I can still be dreaming of studying abroad when simply living two states away from my friends and family is a disabling anxiety to me.

I can't make you love me.

This has been a high-stress, high anxiety week, as I wish more and more that I were home and seeing my friends thrive at their schools while I am clearly drowning, isolating myself with schoolwork and that natural Massachusetts way of ignoring everyone on the street or to give them all dirty looks. I don't mean to, I try to be friendly, I try to make conversation, I try and try and try and all these things and expectations are built up and I crumble underneath. I cannot handle the stress, I cannot handle where I am in my life right now.

I've been reflecting a lot on my ex-boyfriend this week, thinking about what happened and what I did wrong. But I realized, just as I had blamed him for not being mature enough to handle our relationship, neither was I. I couldn't take his word when he said he loved me, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted big, fancy, grand expressions of adoration, something that he was not capable of and I knew it and I shouldn't have expected it of him. Its been almost a year since our split, and I still miss him a lot. But I need to let go of his memory, I need to stop nurturing and protecting it. I am so young, and I have a lot more broken hearts to collect.

Blood or Block.

I went into this year thinking that This is it: This will be my year. I would make lots of friends, keep on top of all my homework, go to clubs and get a job, and still have time to breathe. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to breathe, because I was enjoying it all so much. This year couldn't be turning out more opposite than that. I'm struggling, I have so much to remember and do and I can't make any real friends. I have so much self-hate and self-loathing stored up inside of me this week that I just don't want to try anymore. I just want to go back home and let life slip by me, watching it go like a film. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a prisoner.

Our Deal.

This week has been full of progress and setbacks. I'm chatting more in class with my peers, exchanging smiles and laughs and anecdotes and names. I feel a bit more comfortable around them. Generally I feel more in control of my life, my priorities, my future. However, I still have yet to finding and securing a job, and each time I am let down, despite my status as a Work-Study student, it gets more and more discouraging. I've got to send my mom a description of the jobs I have been eyeing, hopefully she can help me out with starting the process all over again. Tomorrow I have to go to Merrill and fill out paperwork. I'm just scared that I am going to fail in this aspect.

This song has been stuck in my head for a few days now. Kind of reminds me of my deal, whatever that is.

Call the Shots!

Today was the first cheery day since summer, and I am so grateful for that. I needed a day where I wasn't miserable the whole time. Let's hope this feeling continues! A little sucky that I had to take my pills to make it happen, but at this point, I will take anything I can get.

My classes are alright, I'm starting to warm up to them. I still don't know what the point of my sociology class is, as the professor never came out and said what the subject is really about. He just lists off names of people and that they are important to sociology, which, you know, is really super helpful. I'm starting to really get into my Fiction Writing class, despite how many obnoxious and pretentious people there are. I also think my English class will be good, one of my only friends is in that class so I am excited for that! I'm a little unsure about French. I had a bad start yesterday morning and thought I was going to the right time, when in fact just as I was arriving, the class was ending. Super. But I am not going to let that slow me down, I will just have to work all the more harder next class!

As you can probably tell, genuine optimism is rare for me, but as always, I will just have to fake it until I make it.

Home life.

Last week I moved back into school. It was stressful and overwhelming and I am incredibly lonely there, without a real friend on campus. I decided to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach instead of on campus with my new roommate, who wouldn't have been around anyway. I am encouraged by others around me to step out and try new things, meet new people, even to go to a party or two, but instead of feeling empowered by the opportunity for change I have been given, I am shrinking away from them, intimidated and scared. I wish I had realized how easy I had it last year, instead of ignoring it and wallowing in my other problems. Last year I wanted to be as far away from home as possible. This year, I wish I was there in a heartbeat.

Getting lonely.

This week has been one of the most stressful ever. It is now sinking in that I will not greet Chelsea at our dorm, I will be living by myself for an undetermined amount of time. Shopping for dorm supplies has been stressing me out beyond belief; I want to give up and just not show up at school on Tuesday. I'm scared, I'm anxious, and I'm sad. I hate not knowing what I'm getting into, I hate going into situations blind-folded. I hate change.

My deal.

Yesterday was a tough day; it was the lowest I've ever felt, the ugliest I've ever felt in a long time. Luckily, my friends were there to buoy me up and were supportive and understanding when I kept delaying our meeting.

Today I have a lot of sorting to do, packing for school starts today. This is always a scary and stressful time in the year, and its even harder when my mom isn't there to support me. I am only 19, I can't juggle all of these things on my own.

Also, this song pretty much sums up my summer. Depressing, right?

Head first.

Something has snapped. I can't handle any of this anymore. I had such a great day yesterday with Kelsie, one of my closest friends, and we talked about everything and how we wanted the future to be, how we ourselves wanted to be. I felt so hopeful then, so full of promise and potential to be whomever I wanted. A mere 24 hours later, I've slumped down into this rut, where the walls of all the things I have to accomplish this week are towering over me and I am shrinking away from them, afraid of being suffocated under their importance and intimidation.

But I need time for me too, I've been running myself ragged all summer and I need to get down off this absolutely absurd level of anxiety I have been teetering on for the past four months. I think I'll try doing some yoga tonight.

the fear of god.

Today my brother, father, and I went to Plymouth Plantation, visiting the Native Americans (who are native to the area and whose tribe have lived in Massachusetts for 12,000 years!); the role players and their tiny, smelly houses and overgrown gardens; and the livestock they keep there year-round. I took this picture of a goat sniffing my camera! It was really interesting, coming back after all those years I had spent there as a child, being bored and not taking anything in and trying to trick the roleplayers. Now that I can appreciate the place, I found it so interesting.

Lately my patience has run short with distant friends and aquaintances who want to get together before the summer's over. I appreciate and am flattered by their interest in keeping me in their lives, but I go back to school on August 30. I have an almost dehabilitating form of anxiety. There is no making plans with me before that date. My schedule up until that point is already packed full, and I am not going to try and squeeze them in anywhere, so they'll have to wait until Winter Break like the rest of my friends. The only thing they're doing for me right now is increasing my stress.

To be quiet

Today begins my three-day stay with Mark and my dad. Spending this much time around my dad and letting him get to me and stress me out this much lately has me feeling more ready for school, to be out of everyone's hair, and to start focusing on other things again. I will be happy, I will be healthy, I will be free.

Identifying

Sometimes just browsing through pictures on the internet is enough to make my mind wander, to stop thinking about all the stressors in my life and just relax. A lot of times, a cup of tea around this time of night (7 PM) helps me to focus on my homework. Doodling in my planner for a few minutes also helps to release those yearnings of procrastination. And, without fail, putting on a playist from my iPod keeps me motivated and happy and comfortable enough to continue working.

And then, sometimes I just have to find somewhere downstairs to work because there's too many distractions in my room.

Something in me has snapped. For now, at least, I am no longer yearning to be back in your arms. Rather, I would like to lash out at you for everything you've done to me, everything you've put me through. It takes almost all my strength to remain composed and amiable while I talk to you. I promise you empty words, Of course I'd still like to be friends, but in reality I do not want anything to do with you from here on. You can't have everything you want, and up until now I have been providing and enabling all of that for you. But at the bottom of everything, you broke my heart, and that isn't something you "cool off" from.

the highest skies

Even when you do respond to me and even when you decide to call, I still feel alone. As if you had somewhere better to be, things to do other than answer your nagging girlfriend's calls. And I can picture you, reading my texts, laughing along with your friends as you drive around the silent streets of Suburbia, smoking cigarettes and screaming words to songs you all know. Things we all used to do together, you now do with other people. You've moved on from me, and I am drowning in your absence. I sit around and wait for you, hoping to get a text or a phone call. But days pass; nothing.

So this is what loving someone is like.

It feels like you're gone. As if you've quietly excused yourself from my life, you slipped out the door while another of my friends was telling a wild story that had everyone enthralled. And I sat in this lonely dining room, sat and waited long after everyone else had left, days and days and days until maybe you'd come back, you'd throw your jacket that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bought you onto the couch. You'd throw it on the couch, leave the living room and turn the corner to the dining room. You'd see me sitting among everyone's left overs, from days, maybe weeks ago, among dirty dishes and the smell of stale perfume and candles that have turned into burning puddles of wax. You'd see my running eyeliner, my messy, unkempt hair, the ladybug that accompanied me for the past few days in your absence. You'd take me into your arms, and I'd cry, sob, scream, despite having gotten all of that out days ago. You'd rock me back and forth, you'd rub circles into my back with just the tip of your thumb (like you always do), you'd refuse to let go. I wouldn't ask where you've been, you wouldn't ask about my friends or why I haven't moved. Because we both know, we've been to the darkest places these past few days, weeks, months. But none of that requires any discussion, because you came back, and I waited.

After what seems like lifetimes, we'd separate, and tend to the leftover food and dirty dishes that have, between the time that you arrived and now, accumulated grotesque levels of mold.

Open up

Lately I've been feeling stressed out about schoolwork and after-school activities and friends. For a few weeks at the beginning of the year I did a fabulous job balancing them, but lately I've been having 6-day school weeks and it's brining me down, big time. I've lost so much sleep over the past few weeks, and I just don't have the time to catch up on it. I've been snapping at everyone, mostly my mom and my brother. I've had so many things to do, and it just seems like there is no time to do it. Luckily on Wednesday we have a half-day, and I know my friends are going to ask to hang out but honestly I think I just need some time to myself, for sleep and homework and personal relaxation time.

Also I went to Diane's for the first time in about four months, and it seemed that most of my venting/raging went towards Mel. I've started to unfairly become angry at her, and I've started to just dismiss her problems as inferior to mine. I know it's wrong and that I shouldn't just hate on her for the sake of hating on her but I do and I am going to continue doing it because it makes me feel better. I've started to forget that we have a real relationship and friendship and I feel like she's started to become my enemy. I have a feeling that this is just a phase, and that once I get out all of my raging I'll start caring about her again. I know I will.

Overboard

The other day I was hanging out with Mel, and we were at Borders. I had just remembered McFly was in a magazine, and I was desperately looking for it. Mel was following me around, saying, "What on earth are you looking for?" And when I told her, she did one of those typical, rolling-her-eyes-and-sighing things. After we had already discussed the differences between our musical tastes. After we had already discussed that she doesn't have to like the things that I like. After we had already discussed that I want her to support my tastes, just like I do hers.

She had already bought three magazines while I was still looking for the McFly magazine, including one with the Decemberists (a favourite band of hers) on the cover. She continued to follow me around, complaining: "Can we go now? Can we go now? Can we go now?" And I just kept snapping, "No. No. No." I wasn't finished looking. It was like my wants didn't matter to her. It's just frustrating that after almost 8 years of friendship, it's gotten to this point. It really makes me want to put my head through a wall.