One day at a time.

Today my Dad, brother, and I went to the Peabody Museum, an anthropological museum on the Harvard campus. My Dad and I were having a great day- we loved looking at all the skeletons and fragments of wars long past and lives long lost. But by the end of the day, I could see the dark storm clouds brewing in my brother, so I told my Dad that I had college prep-work to do this weekend and that we had to go home. I felt guilty being in my grandparents' hair, creating strong waves in their extremely still waters.

This week, it just feels like I can't get out of anyone's way, I can't wish myself invisible and silent like I have so many other times, and I am scared that my brother is slipping through my fingers.

the fear of god.

Today my brother, father, and I went to Plymouth Plantation, visiting the Native Americans (who are native to the area and whose tribe have lived in Massachusetts for 12,000 years!); the role players and their tiny, smelly houses and overgrown gardens; and the livestock they keep there year-round. I took this picture of a goat sniffing my camera! It was really interesting, coming back after all those years I had spent there as a child, being bored and not taking anything in and trying to trick the roleplayers. Now that I can appreciate the place, I found it so interesting.

Lately my patience has run short with distant friends and aquaintances who want to get together before the summer's over. I appreciate and am flattered by their interest in keeping me in their lives, but I go back to school on August 30. I have an almost dehabilitating form of anxiety. There is no making plans with me before that date. My schedule up until that point is already packed full, and I am not going to try and squeeze them in anywhere, so they'll have to wait until Winter Break like the rest of my friends. The only thing they're doing for me right now is increasing my stress.

Hollows

I need to start somewhere; I need to find a place to find my footing and climb. I called Dad today, asked him about possible vacations, and then he tried to place the blame on me for not picking up the ball fast enough. I'm sorry, I didn't know that I was running this show? And it was impossible to make plans without first knowing when I was leaving for school, and a vacation with you is not the first item on my list of things I have to readjust according to the time schedule change.

That seemed to only create more stress, so tomorrow when I talk to dad about scheduling these mini vacations I'm also planning to ask about money for the things I need for school. Because there are a lot, and I am broke, and I'm already having high anxiety about going back to school as it is, so it would be a great comfort to me if everything I needed was taken care of before I go off gallivanting with you.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One problem at a time. I can only do so much.

Style

I explained to my therapist today about how I tend to view people and categorize them, and how I apply this to myself. It's difficult to explain, but after my messy breakup and months of my ex slandering me to anyone who would listen, I became quite controlling of how I want to be viewed by other people, and how I want to view myself. I want to be seen as grown up, sophisticated, feminine, and happy, but more importantly, I want to feel and believe in those things. And I believe it's a fake-it-until-you-make-it kind of circumstance, because while I don't believe I possess any of those qualities, I want to make others think I do, and I want to at least pretend that I do.

My trip to New York a few weeks ago made me aware of this fact, when I saw it reflected in my older step-sister and my step-brother's girlfriend. They have their own ways of faking it, and so will I. It's an important step for me to take control of my life, to be sure of myself and who I am before I set foot back on campus and subject myself to the problems I had last year.

back home.

I've made a decision to go running daily, to ease back into a workout routine, and to go through every single item in my room. I'm throwing everything out, I'm starting over, I'm ready to be me again.

This past week my family went to my uncle's house on Long Island, which is beautiful, right on the water. I brought along Erica, who I felt immensely guilty and sorry for while she had to awkwardly deal with my panic attacks and fights with my family. After Wednesday, I couldn't handle them anymore (I couldn't handle the number of people and the volume of noise) and I wanted so badly to leave. I feel terrible for partly ruining Erica's vacation with my temper tantrums and crying and mood swings, but my family doesn't understand my anxiety, and my mother will never learn how to help me.

I remember dancing across this floor many times last summer. I remember the scent of the flower garden reaching all parts of the property, steeping into my clothes in the drawer and my pillowcase, so that my hair smelled like flowers when I woke up. I remember running across 8 acres of land, and climbing trees and lying beside butterfly bushes and playing soccer in the corn field. I remember smiles and alcohol and loud, cheery voices and the lack of television or video games. I remember the frightening quiet after everyone had left, and it was just us. Alone on eight acres and two big houses and no noise. I remember bare feet, shorts, tank tops, bathing suits, and heat. I remember stepping on a bee hidden in the grass, I remember getting the worst sunburn of my life, I remember walking through Rodman's Hollow without any flashlights, expecting to encounter the devil at any moment. I remember acoustic guitars and crossword puzzles and startled deer.

But most importantly, I remember the feeling of absolute peace everyone shared, content to listen to the music playing or shoot the breeze with their housemates or play football out in the yard. I remember, one summer, I was freer than I've ever felt.

The slightest things set me off and cause me to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I'm antsy for break, I want to have a week that is all mine and spend it however I want, filled with adventures to new places and long car rides and loud music. I want to have as close to a substitute of summer as I possibly can.

I can't wait for my birthday. I can't wait to have my tattoo, and I don't really care if no one supports my decision. I can't wait to party in Boston with my best friends and feel truly alive for the first time in a long while.

Back in June

I've been sick with either regular flu or swine flu for the past few days, and it doesn't show any signs of release. I've been drinking rediculous amounts of tea and TheraFlu. I just wish my nose wasn't so cold and I could breathe properly. :(

Also, I talked to Jennings last week and he suggested that instead of going into a creative writing major, I go in as English and then do Creative Writing in grad school. It's a good idea, and I understand why it's a good idea, I just dont know if I want to spend the extra time or money I don't have on grad school. It would mean starting my college search all over, which I am already way too far in. I don't know, I have to consider it.

P.S. I miss Block Island.

Still blue

All last week was filled with the stress of preparing my mother to leave for her vacation, and although I didn't want her to go, it was too late to do anything about it. Now we're staying with my aunt, and although I love her, the fact that my mother is gone eats at me. What's stranger is that I am not usually this attached to her. Now this week has been off to a bad start, and I have a feeling the rest of the week won't be any better.

Most likely to be voted "Adorable"

What a mission the past few days have been, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

In other news, my love for 90's & early 2000's music has grown exponentially. :) I just used exponentially in a sentence. Also, on an even more unrelated topic, I really wish people were more optimistic. I get weared down trying to lift their spirits all day.

This is our fate, I'm yours

I miss summer. Hooray for being on February vacation and everything, but honestly, I need the warmth again. This is the time of year when you feel like winter just might stay forever.