In the nick of time

I had a month-long streak of general happiness, only to be shot to shit by my stupid ex-boyfriend and a sudden cropping up of loneliness and fights with practically everyone I know. I don't know why everything can't just go right for once.

The way things are.

Almost a whole month has gone by in the space of what feels like just two weeks. I have been constantly dealing with one stress or another, training at my job and having fun there and feeling like I belong somewhere, pushing myself harder than ever to get a washboard stomach and mastering my latest yoga pose, and playing catch up with all of my classes. I feel so off-balance, I feel like at any moment I might just disappear in the blink of an eye. I'd have never thought that simply living day to day was this difficult.

Rose-tinted eyes.

It's been a whirlwind rollercoaster of a week, and I'm glad it's over. I had almost admitted defeat of finding a job this semester, when as I as signing the paper telling the University to hold my work study money until next semester, someone mentioned that a position had literally just opened up at the library. I jumped on it, and got the job. A few hours later, I had a three hour long panic attack because my mother doesn't know how to deal with me and makes all my emotions worse rather than better. I'm so scared that my life is not going to be perfect.

Chelsea and Taylor might be stopping by on Sunday, which is nice. I feel like I need this weekend to recover and catch up and prepare for the onslaught that is next week. It's a three-day week, which you'd think would be easy, except for I have two midterms to study for and I start work at the library. Thursday after work I am going home, and I cannot wait to be all alone with my mom and cats again.

Mourning.

My desperate job search is coming to a close. I have to have a job by tomorrow, and by the looks of things, I am going to be without one for the semester. I've let myself down tremendously, as this was one of my main goals of this semester- to have an income, to not be so financially dependent on my parents and call them every week to put money in my account for pills. I've found myself wondering lately, What is the point of being here? Why am I here, when I am clearly not cultivating a better me, when I am just going through the motions of living in a place where I clearly do not belong? I don't know where I belong right now. I don't know how I can still be dreaming of studying abroad when simply living two states away from my friends and family is a disabling anxiety to me.

Blood or Block.

I went into this year thinking that This is it: This will be my year. I would make lots of friends, keep on top of all my homework, go to clubs and get a job, and still have time to breathe. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to breathe, because I was enjoying it all so much. This year couldn't be turning out more opposite than that. I'm struggling, I have so much to remember and do and I can't make any real friends. I have so much self-hate and self-loathing stored up inside of me this week that I just don't want to try anymore. I just want to go back home and let life slip by me, watching it go like a film. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a prisoner.

Free to Fly

I can see the possibilities of who I could become next in every shining green leaf of the trees, in every breath I take while I remind myself that I am alive. This is such a joyous feeling, something I haven't felt in nearly a year, to be truly excited and happy with what is coming next. This is the start. A change is coming, and I am prepared for it because I am happy and proud of myself and who I have become. This is only the beginning, and from here there is only blue skies and sunshine and the anticipation of what is yet to come.

It's a exhilarating idea, if I think about it for long enough: I am alive. I am free. I have good, healthy food in my stomach and classes that challenge me and a closet full of my favorite outfits. I have a space to think, to be inspired, to create, I have a bed and a TV to lull me to sleep, I have the love of my family and friends who I remain in regular contact with. These are simple things, that I sometimes take for granted, but right now I feel as if I am the luckiest girl in the whole world, to be living this life and have all these open doors and opportunities. This is one of those moments where I feel as if I've made it.

Our Deal.

This week has been full of progress and setbacks. I'm chatting more in class with my peers, exchanging smiles and laughs and anecdotes and names. I feel a bit more comfortable around them. Generally I feel more in control of my life, my priorities, my future. However, I still have yet to finding and securing a job, and each time I am let down, despite my status as a Work-Study student, it gets more and more discouraging. I've got to send my mom a description of the jobs I have been eyeing, hopefully she can help me out with starting the process all over again. Tomorrow I have to go to Merrill and fill out paperwork. I'm just scared that I am going to fail in this aspect.

This song has been stuck in my head for a few days now. Kind of reminds me of my deal, whatever that is.

Call the Shots!

Today was the first cheery day since summer, and I am so grateful for that. I needed a day where I wasn't miserable the whole time. Let's hope this feeling continues! A little sucky that I had to take my pills to make it happen, but at this point, I will take anything I can get.

My classes are alright, I'm starting to warm up to them. I still don't know what the point of my sociology class is, as the professor never came out and said what the subject is really about. He just lists off names of people and that they are important to sociology, which, you know, is really super helpful. I'm starting to really get into my Fiction Writing class, despite how many obnoxious and pretentious people there are. I also think my English class will be good, one of my only friends is in that class so I am excited for that! I'm a little unsure about French. I had a bad start yesterday morning and thought I was going to the right time, when in fact just as I was arriving, the class was ending. Super. But I am not going to let that slow me down, I will just have to work all the more harder next class!

As you can probably tell, genuine optimism is rare for me, but as always, I will just have to fake it until I make it.

Home life.

Last week I moved back into school. It was stressful and overwhelming and I am incredibly lonely there, without a real friend on campus. I decided to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach instead of on campus with my new roommate, who wouldn't have been around anyway. I am encouraged by others around me to step out and try new things, meet new people, even to go to a party or two, but instead of feeling empowered by the opportunity for change I have been given, I am shrinking away from them, intimidated and scared. I wish I had realized how easy I had it last year, instead of ignoring it and wallowing in my other problems. Last year I wanted to be as far away from home as possible. This year, I wish I was there in a heartbeat.

Getting lonely.

This week has been one of the most stressful ever. It is now sinking in that I will not greet Chelsea at our dorm, I will be living by myself for an undetermined amount of time. Shopping for dorm supplies has been stressing me out beyond belief; I want to give up and just not show up at school on Tuesday. I'm scared, I'm anxious, and I'm sad. I hate not knowing what I'm getting into, I hate going into situations blind-folded. I hate change.

My deal.

Yesterday was a tough day; it was the lowest I've ever felt, the ugliest I've ever felt in a long time. Luckily, my friends were there to buoy me up and were supportive and understanding when I kept delaying our meeting.

Today I have a lot of sorting to do, packing for school starts today. This is always a scary and stressful time in the year, and its even harder when my mom isn't there to support me. I am only 19, I can't juggle all of these things on my own.

Also, this song pretty much sums up my summer. Depressing, right?

the fear of god.

Today my brother, father, and I went to Plymouth Plantation, visiting the Native Americans (who are native to the area and whose tribe have lived in Massachusetts for 12,000 years!); the role players and their tiny, smelly houses and overgrown gardens; and the livestock they keep there year-round. I took this picture of a goat sniffing my camera! It was really interesting, coming back after all those years I had spent there as a child, being bored and not taking anything in and trying to trick the roleplayers. Now that I can appreciate the place, I found it so interesting.

Lately my patience has run short with distant friends and aquaintances who want to get together before the summer's over. I appreciate and am flattered by their interest in keeping me in their lives, but I go back to school on August 30. I have an almost dehabilitating form of anxiety. There is no making plans with me before that date. My schedule up until that point is already packed full, and I am not going to try and squeeze them in anywhere, so they'll have to wait until Winter Break like the rest of my friends. The only thing they're doing for me right now is increasing my stress.

To be quiet

Today begins my three-day stay with Mark and my dad. Spending this much time around my dad and letting him get to me and stress me out this much lately has me feeling more ready for school, to be out of everyone's hair, and to start focusing on other things again. I will be happy, I will be healthy, I will be free.

lucky day

Yesterday I went to Boston to hang out with my childhood friend, James. His mother and my mother have been friends since they were in grade school. It was refreshingly great, we had lunch and chatted about everything- and I've never wanted to transfer to a Boston school as badly before. I wish it wasn't so close to my family, but I know that I need them there in case anything were to happen. I already know the city pretty well, and I was initially accepted into Emerson before the Farm. I would love to live there and start over, in a way. Part of me feels tied to the city, wrapped around a streetlamp by the Common, and yet another part of me feels the obligation and necessity to return to Maine, to fight through whatever demons I'm facing instead of running away. And right now, that seems like the best option.

Happy medium

Spending most of my time at home and with my cats has had its beneficial effects, such as jolts of creativity and lots of time to spend by myself, and being holed back up in this room has helped me climb back into the soft, comfortable, broken-in personality that I was all throughout high school. I listen to music too loudly, dance around my room, doodle in my planner and create page after page in my art journal, look at things from a different point of view, speak french to my cats, and never depend on a boy to make me happy. If I can hold onto this until school starts again, I may just survive, or I may just have to start over somewhere new.

I ended up tricking myself into believing I could do any of this without you; into believing that I could move on. I'm completely lost, I have absolutely no idea of anything I want anymore. I need other people to remind me to eat, to give me my pill, to take me to class, to move me out of the way of people and pavement and moving cars.

Going home makes me afraid, but nevertheless, I have to do it. I have to go and retreat into my house with my family and my cat and the love that I had before you. To remind myself that it's still there, it will always be there.

The End

I need something to keep you tied to me. I need something to make sure you won't wander away from me. I want to make you happy, and I want it to be right. And I keep trying and trying but something in me screams No, this is wrong, he is going to hurt you. They all do.

Saying goodbye is hard enough.

I wish that everything would slow down. May is flying by and my Senior Prom is on Thursday. To be honest, I am terrified of what comes after this.

The slightest things set me off and cause me to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I'm antsy for break, I want to have a week that is all mine and spend it however I want, filled with adventures to new places and long car rides and loud music. I want to have as close to a substitute of summer as I possibly can.

I can't wait for my birthday. I can't wait to have my tattoo, and I don't really care if no one supports my decision. I can't wait to party in Boston with my best friends and feel truly alive for the first time in a long while.

For a short while

The more everyone is beginning to talk about prom, the more nervous I get. I feel pressured to have an actual date (who is male and not my bffs) but, as it happens, I tend to push away all male attention and therefore come up short for a date. Not that I should even be worrying about it now, but Mel is planning it out like it's her wedding day, and I just was never aware that prom was supposed to be like that at all.