Mourning.

My desperate job search is coming to a close. I have to have a job by tomorrow, and by the looks of things, I am going to be without one for the semester. I've let myself down tremendously, as this was one of my main goals of this semester- to have an income, to not be so financially dependent on my parents and call them every week to put money in my account for pills. I've found myself wondering lately, What is the point of being here? Why am I here, when I am clearly not cultivating a better me, when I am just going through the motions of living in a place where I clearly do not belong? I don't know where I belong right now. I don't know how I can still be dreaming of studying abroad when simply living two states away from my friends and family is a disabling anxiety to me.

I can't make you love me.

This has been a high-stress, high anxiety week, as I wish more and more that I were home and seeing my friends thrive at their schools while I am clearly drowning, isolating myself with schoolwork and that natural Massachusetts way of ignoring everyone on the street or to give them all dirty looks. I don't mean to, I try to be friendly, I try to make conversation, I try and try and try and all these things and expectations are built up and I crumble underneath. I cannot handle the stress, I cannot handle where I am in my life right now.

I've been reflecting a lot on my ex-boyfriend this week, thinking about what happened and what I did wrong. But I realized, just as I had blamed him for not being mature enough to handle our relationship, neither was I. I couldn't take his word when he said he loved me, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted big, fancy, grand expressions of adoration, something that he was not capable of and I knew it and I shouldn't have expected it of him. Its been almost a year since our split, and I still miss him a lot. But I need to let go of his memory, I need to stop nurturing and protecting it. I am so young, and I have a lot more broken hearts to collect.

Blood or Block.

I went into this year thinking that This is it: This will be my year. I would make lots of friends, keep on top of all my homework, go to clubs and get a job, and still have time to breathe. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to breathe, because I was enjoying it all so much. This year couldn't be turning out more opposite than that. I'm struggling, I have so much to remember and do and I can't make any real friends. I have so much self-hate and self-loathing stored up inside of me this week that I just don't want to try anymore. I just want to go back home and let life slip by me, watching it go like a film. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a prisoner.

Le passé

Driving around nearby neighborhoods, we used to point out houses to each other, we used to say, Can we live in that house? That is the house I want to raise our children in. We would laugh about our parenting techniques, how we would raise our kids, what we would name them, what sports we would put them in and what instruments they would play. We used to joke that after the third child, I would become an alcoholic, and the kids would depend on him, but he would vehemently deny that sort of responsibility, that he would leave me if I ever did that. Our naivety, our pure, idealized love was perfect then. We were, quite literally, just kids in love, even then, even in the summer, before either of us (or at least I) could realize what love was, the full potential of what we had.

I never imagined, back then, driving around house hunting with my boyfriend, that I would lose all of it just a few months later. I regret it with all my heart that I didn't appreciate the love we had while we were so deeply involved in it.

I won't cry anymore.

I remember the look on your face, the moment I saw you truly loved me- when I asked What? and you just shrugged your shoulder that wasn't pinned to the bed, because we were laying on our sides on my tiny dorm bed, and then your face broke into a grin and you leaned over and kissed my cheek. My heart aches for that moment back, for every moment. Because I loved you so much, and I still do, for some reason. I still love you, but I am still wrapped around other boys, I still crave their attention and affection and adoration. Because one heartbreak is not enough- I need more, my heart is greedy, it takes everything it can get. I miss my boyfriend. I miss feeling loved. I miss being in love. And that is the worst part. I am afraid to be alone.

what I've given up.

My morals have completely shattered; I have turned into this empty, hollow, shell of an actual human being who has no regard for other's feelings and takes, takes, takes. I don't know what I have gotten myself into, but I depend on it to get me through the next two weeks, until I am back at the nest, back in my mother's arms and with my best friends and people who actually care about my existence and don't just want to get in my pants.

I allow all of this to happen. I could have been firm, I could have said no, but I have no objection to pain and heartbreak anymore and crave the attention and affection of any male that comes across my path. I am destroying relationships across the globe, and I show no remorse. This is the life I have come to, these are the choices I have made. My path has been determined. I am useless, I am a cynical, murderous bitch. You are no longer here to keep me anchored, and my calm, serene sunshine has turned into a dangerous hurricane. I pray that this hurricane reaches you, that the evidence and gossip makes you stop and feel the slightest amount of sadness for the pain you've caused me. You have created a monster.

Something in me has snapped. For now, at least, I am no longer yearning to be back in your arms. Rather, I would like to lash out at you for everything you've done to me, everything you've put me through. It takes almost all my strength to remain composed and amiable while I talk to you. I promise you empty words, Of course I'd still like to be friends, but in reality I do not want anything to do with you from here on. You can't have everything you want, and up until now I have been providing and enabling all of that for you. But at the bottom of everything, you broke my heart, and that isn't something you "cool off" from.

tient à coeur

Anxiety swells up in a knot right in my stomach every time I think about coming home, being near you again. And I know you won't reach out to me, you don't care, you won't give me the time of day and you won't try to make this right. You will always make me come to you, you will give me all the time I need or want, you will never be the first to open up. I am terrified to the point of paralysis of seeing out in the street, maybe pumping gas or pulling out of McDonald's with your cousin. And I know this is one of the few chances I'll have, the slim time frame in between when you deem morally acceptable to dump your girlfriend and then move onto the next one.

Tomorrow night I will enter the heart of a warzone, fifteen minutes away from the enemy. Shaking to the core, my knuckles white on the steering wheel, eyes peeled for any sign of you. Every Nissan is a target, every stickered bumper is a red flag. Having to carry around this heavy, broken heart is tiresome, and the only person who can fix it is you. And somehow, I'm afraid that it will lead me straight to you.

The Way You Make Me Feel

I sit at my computer and sob and listen to horrifyingly sad music that reminds me of you and I can't even face the blank document where I imagine a letter to you should be. But you don't care, you walked out, you're gone.

One day, I knew all these words would come back to haunt me.

the highest skies

Even when you do respond to me and even when you decide to call, I still feel alone. As if you had somewhere better to be, things to do other than answer your nagging girlfriend's calls. And I can picture you, reading my texts, laughing along with your friends as you drive around the silent streets of Suburbia, smoking cigarettes and screaming words to songs you all know. Things we all used to do together, you now do with other people. You've moved on from me, and I am drowning in your absence. I sit around and wait for you, hoping to get a text or a phone call. But days pass; nothing.

So this is what loving someone is like.

It feels like you're gone. As if you've quietly excused yourself from my life, you slipped out the door while another of my friends was telling a wild story that had everyone enthralled. And I sat in this lonely dining room, sat and waited long after everyone else had left, days and days and days until maybe you'd come back, you'd throw your jacket that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bought you onto the couch. You'd throw it on the couch, leave the living room and turn the corner to the dining room. You'd see me sitting among everyone's left overs, from days, maybe weeks ago, among dirty dishes and the smell of stale perfume and candles that have turned into burning puddles of wax. You'd see my running eyeliner, my messy, unkempt hair, the ladybug that accompanied me for the past few days in your absence. You'd take me into your arms, and I'd cry, sob, scream, despite having gotten all of that out days ago. You'd rock me back and forth, you'd rub circles into my back with just the tip of your thumb (like you always do), you'd refuse to let go. I wouldn't ask where you've been, you wouldn't ask about my friends or why I haven't moved. Because we both know, we've been to the darkest places these past few days, weeks, months. But none of that requires any discussion, because you came back, and I waited.

After what seems like lifetimes, we'd separate, and tend to the leftover food and dirty dishes that have, between the time that you arrived and now, accumulated grotesque levels of mold.

The End

I need something to keep you tied to me. I need something to make sure you won't wander away from me. I want to make you happy, and I want it to be right. And I keep trying and trying but something in me screams No, this is wrong, he is going to hurt you. They all do.

Saying goodbye is hard enough.

Stream of consciousness

A boy asked me out for Valentine's Day yesterday. I thought he was joking. Boys make me so rediculously uncomfortable, I don't even know. I don't know what I feel about anyone anymore. I feel so confused and upset about every little thing and I know I should be taking my pills but I just can't bring myself to. I really hate medication and the idea of it makes me really sad. I have to rely on a little white pill to make me normal. Sometimes I miss Kyle and that makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I want to talk to my mother but then I remember that she's a raging psychopath and I don't want anyone's pity. So everything stays locked up, and tense. I just really don't like how I feel right now.

Chasing Lights

I saw him for the first in a long time today. It was just in passing, but I still had so stop, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. I kept walking. He's changed so much.

Some days I get sad and tired and I just want a boy to tell me that I mean something to him.

I suck

I'm feeling so stressed out to the point of sickness, and I can't take much more of this. Tomorrow is the show, and after that it's all over. I can't wait to have my life back. However, there is still the mistake I made earlier today that I'm beating myself up over. It seems like after every little thing, I want to cry, and I'm too stressed out to handle any of this anymore.

I'm so much better without you

So, here I go again, getting myself even more confused. Mel and I were talking on facebook, and I thought that she was finally ready to sit down and have an honest talk about our relationship. Instead, she drags her own life into the conversation and I am reminded once again of how selfish she is.

The conversation went astray when she asked me my opinion on something that had to do with her boyfriend. I've never been in love, I've never wanted to be in love. I have really no educated opinion to give, but I tried with the best of my ability to be a supportive friend. I told her that I haven't had the greatest of experiences with boys so I wasn't really the one to ask. And then she throws this at me (a direct quote):

"I think your input was just fine, and the boys you've been with have been losers anyway. :P"

First of all, she does not have ANY RIGHT to say that whatsoever. She knows just as much about my relationships as I do about hers. Which is nothing. I know she didn't mean for it to sound that way, but it sounds incredibly rude and I don't even know how to respond to that. I want to scream at her, I want to rage at her, I want to tell her how I really feel about everything. I want to never see her again and I want things to go back to how they were at the same time. I never thought I'd have so much difficulty with this.

I'm tired, I just wanna lie back down.

I've been crying all night, and it sucks because I had such an awesome day. Listening to Chasing Lights again made me burst into tears, but this time not over him- it was over Mel, and I knew that she was my last remaining source of unhappiness. So, since I knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it otherwise, I went on facebook, opened our inbox messaging chat, and started typing. I saved what I wrote, but didn't send it. And it was exactly what I felt I had left to say to her. I know that once I am ready to send this out, that's it. This is the last shot I am giving her, and unless she is ready and willing to spring into action and fix our relationship, then I am done making any attempts. I've already tried this a number of times, and this is it for me. I have already initiated enough conversations on the topic, tried to get my point across enough times, gave her the enough chances to work things out. From that point on, it's in her hands. And I will refuse to let our relationship upset me any more than it already has. From that point on, what she chooses to do with my letter is her decision. Any steps she chooses to take from there will be her doing. I am done doing all the work on our relationship.

I need to go back to Diane. If I hold this in any longer, I swear I'm going to burst.

Not Alone

Lately I don't even know what to think. I am just so stressed and anxious and upset all the time, and I don't even know why. It just feels like all of my problems are weighing down on me, and I can't do anything with them. I feel heavy with that weight. I keep trying to look towards the future, towards my lisence (next week!) and senior year and college, but it's just those nights that I stay up at 2 AM listening to The Playlist, that all of these things come back to the front of my mind, and torment me.

Things I am currently anxious/depressed about:

• My mother
• Kyle
• Mel
• Therapy

I just cannot keep up with my mother's moods anymore. I am done walking on eggshells around her and if she snaps at me, now I just snap right back. My fuse is very short lately, and she needs to learn that. I'm tired of being angry all the time at her.

Every time I stay up at 2 AM my thoughts always wander to Kyle. I think of all the things I should have said to him and didn't, all the things I want to say to him and won't. He won't care, no one cares. I have no idea how I have held on for this long but really, it needs to end soon. I need to move on with my life, I need to find someone else who will treat me better. And the sad, sad truth (which I've cried over for many nights) is that I would do anything to have him back in my life. But I know I can't. And it really, really sucks.

I've come to the realization that Mel is no longer one of my best friends. That also really, really sucks. I feel like such a terrible person and that it's all my fault and that I could have done more to save our friendship, but none of that is really true. And that really sucks too. For years, she used to be my sole confidant, the one person whose opinion I cared about and mattered. I miss her like crazy, but mostly I miss the person she used to be. The people we both used to be. I'm trying to accept all of this but it's hard. It's really hard to accept the fact that the person who has been the main pillar in your life for almost ten years is no longer there, and it's neither of your faults.

And I really want to tell all of this to one of my therapists, any third party who is willing to listen to me and give me advice. But I've missed most of my appointments and I really need to go soon before I have a panic attack, because I can feel one coming.

All the happiness

I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. I feel some people are pushing and shoving their way to be more important than others in my life, which cannot happen. Family always comes first for me; I have a big family who I don't see very often so I have to accomodate them when the opportunity arises. At the moment, I'm very stressed, scared, confused, and tired, and I feel that even though I want to be in Waltham with my Dad and my best friend, I really should be back home with my mom. She can calm me down when I feel like this; and she can comfort me. I want to be with my family, not just my friends. I've traveled far too much since the last time I've taken a break, and I feel I need to sit back and relax for a while. I want to spend quality time with my dad, but he doesn't realize how much I've been through these past few months, and how tired I really am. Just as everyone else is getting up after the long winter, I'm ready to hibernate. I'm scared.

I need longer than a week to fix what's wrong with me.

Down

There are no words for how I feel about you. You always tend to ruin my day. I'm going to move on, and find someone better. I will be happy.