Death's second self

I feel so overwhelmed. I'm in another fight with my mom, and she continues to call me everyday because I suppose she just hasn't gotten the message that I don't want to talk to her. And I feel that now that she doesn't have two kids in her face every day, who are tucked away at college, she feels like she has the perfect life now and has no actual interest in my life or my problems. She doesn't show sympathy or comfort when I blatantly ask for it, she doesn't remember anything that I tell her. She's more interested and more invested in the lives of her boyfriend's children, my step-siblings, than mine. And maybe its because I've been a more difficult child over the past few years, maybe because she sees stability in their lives and chaos and destruction in ours. And this weekend brought with it a few hard-hitting events for me, and she doesn't even know about them, because she doesn't care enough to ask, and she doesn't want to open my emotional pit, because it always comes spitting out on her.

I may be 19, I may be a legal adult, but I still need a mother.

Frustrations and Vibrations

I am so far in the single mentality that I am pushing away all the wonderful attention my boyfriend gives me, simply because he isn't Ryan or Sebastian. He won't make me love him like they did; he is never going to make me feel the way they made me feel.

Shut up.

Oh, and if by being "there for me", you mean going behind my back and telling my ex-boyfriend everything I said, then yeah, you were there for me. Also, who is "we"? You were my best friend. You and only you. There was no one else, there is no one else to put the blame on for why I stopped confiding in you. It was you.

I'm sorry that I just want to put the past behind me. I'm sorry that I don't trust you anymore. But, you know what? You never made this easy for me. So I don't give a shit about your whining that we don't talk enough. I don't give a shit about how much I'm hurting you, because you have no idea how much you hurt me.

Pessimists

I'm sorry for trying to destroy you. You don't deserve it. More than anything, you are my ragdoll that I beat up on, and you silently absorb all of it, take the abuse and the hurt. You have no idea that you are being hurt right now, but you will. I can't do this with you. I can't breathe anymore, I felt so much freer when you weren't laying on my guilty conscience. So, I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of the hurt I'm about to give you. But you just don't feel like you're mine.

Jess texted me and asked me to update her on my life. As if I am going to tell her anything. I'm sure that Kaylie has told her about me and my uncontrollable mouth, my inability to think before I speak and to form correct sentences that actually convey what I want to say. Those are mistakes, regrets, things that I would take back if I could. So are the things I told Jess, which she told to Allison, which she told to him. Feeding the fire and feuling a completely unneccessary blow up. And to be honest, I wish her the best in life, but I lost my friend when that fight errupted. I can't trust her anymore, I see now that she's not on my side any longer.

nobody said it was easy.

I am waiting as patiently as I can for the coming of the next chapter in my life, featuring a new boy who tells me sweet things and seems at least slightly more stable than you. I am reminded again and again of you, of everything we did, of the things you said to me, the way we felt when we were alone. The few pieces of happy memories that I was able to salvage in the fire of our breakup, they will stay with me forever. But our life together has burned down, I need to build a new one, with someone else this time. I think I found that someone else, for now.

So, although you continue to haunt my life, this is me, picking up the pieces and carrying on. Because you can't hurt me anymore. Because I found someone new to tell me I'm pretty and to hold my hand when I'm crying. I found someone new to care about me.

And so now I turn to you, fairweather friend, who went behind my back and said things I had told you in confidence, brought them straight to the enemy. Text me and facebook poke me and like my statuses and reblog my tumblr posts all you want, but that isn't going to undo any of the trauma you led me straight into, that isn't going to take any of the words back that you told him. You don't deserve a place in my life if that is how you believe you should treat me. I have always been there for you, through absolutely everything. Yes, my fight has been long and tiresome and difficult, but you clearly can't sympathize with me or be there for me if this is how you want to play. Game fucking on.

He was going to do something tonight. I thought he and Jess were talking about drugs so I finally got his phone from him and then I still thought they were talking about drugs. And then I read one of his texts to her saying something about pressure and then it clicked. I'm such a dumbass.

Pinups

We were having a private conversation, until you decided to eavesdrop and then loudly offer suggestions that were completely inappropriate. You are completely inappropriate. And it was one of those times when you can't think of any witty, sly, or biting remark to come back with until you're driving home and fuming about the situation while the world outside cries with sympathy. And it was just that: You are completely inappropriate, because I know that would have gotten to you, because I still know you, because you haven't changed in the three years since we've last talked. And I can tell, just in the way others talk about you, just in the way you delivered that last, grotesque comment. You haven't changed a bit.

Sometimes, I kick myself for ever having such a romanticized view of you that I let it blind me. No matter how many times you attempt to get to me, either to crack a smile, or to make me explode, I will never be ready to talk to you.

torus

The strings of my life are coming undone, the glue that holds me together is drying up and losing its hold. I want things to be okay, I really do- but everything is catching up with all of us, and we are losing control of the situation and handling them in ways we should not. Stress is affecting everyone, and I hate that you don't try. There aren't many things that are stable anymore, and I wish you were one of those things.

No, it's totally cool: don't even bother telling me your plans when I ask about them, don't bother giving me any other information other than "I want the money you owe me" and feel free to just throw all of the blame for your ruined plans on me. Forget everything I said to you 10 minutes ago, because I told you exactly where I was going and obviously it's my fault if you don't remember. You are a hypocritical, shallow, fake, douchebag. Don't even come up to me and casually ask me where I was, then get on the phone and say, "Nevermind, I found her." I wasn't lost, you dumb fucking prick. I am absolutely done conforming to your schedule, and I don't care about what you want. I already have plans, and if that is a problem for you, complain to someone else. I am done listening to anything that you have to say. You are a stupid, selfish, spineless, douchebag and you aren't worth the shit on my shoes.

I suck

I'm feeling so stressed out to the point of sickness, and I can't take much more of this. Tomorrow is the show, and after that it's all over. I can't wait to have my life back. However, there is still the mistake I made earlier today that I'm beating myself up over. It seems like after every little thing, I want to cry, and I'm too stressed out to handle any of this anymore.

Caffine and Love Notes

December's here, another four weeks of madness, anxiety, laughs, fights, learning, forgetting, spending and saving. Another four weeks to have an astounding, life-altering revelation, to realize that yes, Kyle broke my heart but that doesn't mean I can't survive. Mel and I are no longer best friends but that doesn't mean we can't have fun. The girls and I always have our problems but that doesn't mean we can't sort them out. Mom isn't home anymore and I feel alone in a big house most nights but that doesn't mean I can't be strong. John's in the hospital with a coma but that doesn't mean he won't make it. Erica doesn't see me everyday but that doesn't mean I have no one to talk to when I really need it.

These are the only people I have. I can't just push them away because I'm being anti-social, or I don't want to face the problem obstructing me. Eventually, I will have to talk to Kyle and I will have to get over being annoyed at Mel. I will have to be strong and bear through it all and work out my problems one by one. Everything feels so frayed right now and it's easier just to curl up in my bed and hide from the world.

Irate

Dear Self-Victimizing Mother,

I had just as long of a day as you have; I did just as much work for just as long of a time. You even got to go out to eat afterwards. Meanwhile, I have an application for college due tomorrow, with half of one essay written and none of the second written. I don't have half the application itself filled out, so I apologize if I seem a little bit upset and stressed, considering it's been the only thing on my mind for about two weeks. I apologize if I snap at you for asking stupid questions or for responding quite calmly to your comments on my essay and then you freaking out at me for giving you "attitude". I apologize if you've made me cry myself to sleep four out of the past seven days. I apologize that Senior Class Play and Environmental Club alone have eaten up most of my free time, and that I haven't had time to fill out an application since last week. I apologize that I need an increase in medication because all of this stress and work has been keeping me up at night. I apologize that I'm such a horrible inconvenience to you.

Get off of your fucking pedestal. I never denied the fact that you have troubles of your own, but just FYI: So does fucking everyone else.

Love, Kara

Volatile

I am running out of time. I simply cannot do everything I'm asked.

I'm so much better without you

So, here I go again, getting myself even more confused. Mel and I were talking on facebook, and I thought that she was finally ready to sit down and have an honest talk about our relationship. Instead, she drags her own life into the conversation and I am reminded once again of how selfish she is.

The conversation went astray when she asked me my opinion on something that had to do with her boyfriend. I've never been in love, I've never wanted to be in love. I have really no educated opinion to give, but I tried with the best of my ability to be a supportive friend. I told her that I haven't had the greatest of experiences with boys so I wasn't really the one to ask. And then she throws this at me (a direct quote):

"I think your input was just fine, and the boys you've been with have been losers anyway. :P"

First of all, she does not have ANY RIGHT to say that whatsoever. She knows just as much about my relationships as I do about hers. Which is nothing. I know she didn't mean for it to sound that way, but it sounds incredibly rude and I don't even know how to respond to that. I want to scream at her, I want to rage at her, I want to tell her how I really feel about everything. I want to never see her again and I want things to go back to how they were at the same time. I never thought I'd have so much difficulty with this.

I'm tired, I just wanna lie back down.

I've been crying all night, and it sucks because I had such an awesome day. Listening to Chasing Lights again made me burst into tears, but this time not over him- it was over Mel, and I knew that she was my last remaining source of unhappiness. So, since I knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it otherwise, I went on facebook, opened our inbox messaging chat, and started typing. I saved what I wrote, but didn't send it. And it was exactly what I felt I had left to say to her. I know that once I am ready to send this out, that's it. This is the last shot I am giving her, and unless she is ready and willing to spring into action and fix our relationship, then I am done making any attempts. I've already tried this a number of times, and this is it for me. I have already initiated enough conversations on the topic, tried to get my point across enough times, gave her the enough chances to work things out. From that point on, it's in her hands. And I will refuse to let our relationship upset me any more than it already has. From that point on, what she chooses to do with my letter is her decision. Any steps she chooses to take from there will be her doing. I am done doing all the work on our relationship.

I need to go back to Diane. If I hold this in any longer, I swear I'm going to burst.

All the happiness

I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. I feel some people are pushing and shoving their way to be more important than others in my life, which cannot happen. Family always comes first for me; I have a big family who I don't see very often so I have to accomodate them when the opportunity arises. At the moment, I'm very stressed, scared, confused, and tired, and I feel that even though I want to be in Waltham with my Dad and my best friend, I really should be back home with my mom. She can calm me down when I feel like this; and she can comfort me. I want to be with my family, not just my friends. I've traveled far too much since the last time I've taken a break, and I feel I need to sit back and relax for a while. I want to spend quality time with my dad, but he doesn't realize how much I've been through these past few months, and how tired I really am. Just as everyone else is getting up after the long winter, I'm ready to hibernate. I'm scared.

I need longer than a week to fix what's wrong with me.

30 minutes and a library

I've just fallen in to more friend drama, which actually doesn't have anything to do with my directly, but I can't help but try and mediate the situation, and throw my advice in before they ruin everyone's lives. I don't want this to destory everyone's friendships, and sometimes I think they're just being selfish because they don't care about anyone else's feelings, directly or indirectly. That group of friends is supposed to be everyone's security, a group of people with whom we all feel safe and content. We are supposed to be able to spill anything and everything to each other, and with this potential rift, we can't help but take sides, and it's going to destroy us if we don't step in.

I'm such a fucking American.

this is my last blog about you.

I try to be as understanding as possible with one of my friends, who is slowly slipping away from me. We are just growing in two separate directions, and that's perfectly okay. But I think she's sort of in denial about it and as a result, every little thing she does irritates me. I am at my wit's end with her, and I feel if she makes one more comment that irks me it will send me over the edge. We are just not the same people anymore, and I really have no clue what to do about our friendship. Obviously, I want to remain friends, as she is one of my closest, but she is really trying my patience.

For example, I am not allowed to talk about essentially any music that I like. I am not allowed to talk about my other friends, who I am not allowed to call my best friends. My other friends have been calling me their best friend for a while now, and I feel guilty for not being able to say the same about them. I am just generally not allowed to be myself around her anymore, and it's really sad that she can't appreciate and accept who I am now.

Call me a liar, but I'm not lying

Whatever provoked you to send me that, I have no idea. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I have no idea how to respond to this, and now this is making it really awkward. I don't know. I know what you went through with your previous significant other, but you have no idea what I went through with mine. I am not ready for that, as pathetic as it sounds. I'm not ready to dance again. I don't know when I will be; I can't trust boys anymore. I had a lot of fun with you, but I just don't see you that way. I'm sorry, and I feel like such an idiot for letting you fall like that. I probably should have said something.

I don't know how I get boys to fall for me, still, when I don't do anything whatsoever. They are very low on my priority list, I don't know how I still make it to the top on theirs.

Mission

My new New Years Resolution: to either stop introducing/influencing people to my favorite music, movies, shows, books, things, etc., or to stop letting it get under my skin when I introduce/influence said things to people and they actually enjoy them. Mine is an exclusive club, I don't know why I'm such a snob about it.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. But it's annoying.