Home life.

Last week I moved back into school. It was stressful and overwhelming and I am incredibly lonely there, without a real friend on campus. I decided to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach instead of on campus with my new roommate, who wouldn't have been around anyway. I am encouraged by others around me to step out and try new things, meet new people, even to go to a party or two, but instead of feeling empowered by the opportunity for change I have been given, I am shrinking away from them, intimidated and scared. I wish I had realized how easy I had it last year, instead of ignoring it and wallowing in my other problems. Last year I wanted to be as far away from home as possible. This year, I wish I was there in a heartbeat.

My deal.

Yesterday was a tough day; it was the lowest I've ever felt, the ugliest I've ever felt in a long time. Luckily, my friends were there to buoy me up and were supportive and understanding when I kept delaying our meeting.

Today I have a lot of sorting to do, packing for school starts today. This is always a scary and stressful time in the year, and its even harder when my mom isn't there to support me. I am only 19, I can't juggle all of these things on my own.

Also, this song pretty much sums up my summer. Depressing, right?

Sometimes it gets hard to leave the house, but my bravery returns with a shower and a coffee. Routines, routines, routines.

tient à coeur

Anxiety swells up in a knot right in my stomach every time I think about coming home, being near you again. And I know you won't reach out to me, you don't care, you won't give me the time of day and you won't try to make this right. You will always make me come to you, you will give me all the time I need or want, you will never be the first to open up. I am terrified to the point of paralysis of seeing out in the street, maybe pumping gas or pulling out of McDonald's with your cousin. And I know this is one of the few chances I'll have, the slim time frame in between when you deem morally acceptable to dump your girlfriend and then move onto the next one.

Tomorrow night I will enter the heart of a warzone, fifteen minutes away from the enemy. Shaking to the core, my knuckles white on the steering wheel, eyes peeled for any sign of you. Every Nissan is a target, every stickered bumper is a red flag. Having to carry around this heavy, broken heart is tiresome, and the only person who can fix it is you. And somehow, I'm afraid that it will lead me straight to you.

I ended up tricking myself into believing I could do any of this without you; into believing that I could move on. I'm completely lost, I have absolutely no idea of anything I want anymore. I need other people to remind me to eat, to give me my pill, to take me to class, to move me out of the way of people and pavement and moving cars.

Going home makes me afraid, but nevertheless, I have to do it. I have to go and retreat into my house with my family and my cat and the love that I had before you. To remind myself that it's still there, it will always be there.

The Way You Make Me Feel

I sit at my computer and sob and listen to horrifyingly sad music that reminds me of you and I can't even face the blank document where I imagine a letter to you should be. But you don't care, you walked out, you're gone.

One day, I knew all these words would come back to haunt me.