Not Alone

Lately I don't even know what to think. I am just so stressed and anxious and upset all the time, and I don't even know why. It just feels like all of my problems are weighing down on me, and I can't do anything with them. I feel heavy with that weight. I keep trying to look towards the future, towards my lisence (next week!) and senior year and college, but it's just those nights that I stay up at 2 AM listening to The Playlist, that all of these things come back to the front of my mind, and torment me.

Things I am currently anxious/depressed about:

• My mother
• Kyle
• Mel
• Therapy

I just cannot keep up with my mother's moods anymore. I am done walking on eggshells around her and if she snaps at me, now I just snap right back. My fuse is very short lately, and she needs to learn that. I'm tired of being angry all the time at her.

Every time I stay up at 2 AM my thoughts always wander to Kyle. I think of all the things I should have said to him and didn't, all the things I want to say to him and won't. He won't care, no one cares. I have no idea how I have held on for this long but really, it needs to end soon. I need to move on with my life, I need to find someone else who will treat me better. And the sad, sad truth (which I've cried over for many nights) is that I would do anything to have him back in my life. But I know I can't. And it really, really sucks.

I've come to the realization that Mel is no longer one of my best friends. That also really, really sucks. I feel like such a terrible person and that it's all my fault and that I could have done more to save our friendship, but none of that is really true. And that really sucks too. For years, she used to be my sole confidant, the one person whose opinion I cared about and mattered. I miss her like crazy, but mostly I miss the person she used to be. The people we both used to be. I'm trying to accept all of this but it's hard. It's really hard to accept the fact that the person who has been the main pillar in your life for almost ten years is no longer there, and it's neither of your faults.

And I really want to tell all of this to one of my therapists, any third party who is willing to listen to me and give me advice. But I've missed most of my appointments and I really need to go soon before I have a panic attack, because I can feel one coming.