Frustrations and Vibrations

I am so far in the single mentality that I am pushing away all the wonderful attention my boyfriend gives me, simply because he isn't Ryan or Sebastian. He won't make me love him like they did; he is never going to make me feel the way they made me feel.

This is the time in my life when I am figuring things out, testing the waters, and finding my way. One day, I will finally get it right.

Sources

We cuddled on the floor, kissing and giggling and holding hands. But I didn't feel anything, as nice as it was, you didn't make my heart flutter or make me feel relaxed and comfortable. I was thinking ahead to going home, to cuddling with my cat and being alone again. I don't know what this means, what you expect from me. Because I am a mess, it's hard to live with myself, and I have so many other things and people to deal with.

Your hands crept up my legs as I whined about the last boy to hurt me, who I have to see and pass by in the street. Who talks about me to his roommate while they oh-so-subtly stare in my direction. You listened, you told me what I needed to hear, and in return you felt what you wanted. That's how it always was, how it always will be.

Identifying

Sometimes just browsing through pictures on the internet is enough to make my mind wander, to stop thinking about all the stressors in my life and just relax. A lot of times, a cup of tea around this time of night (7 PM) helps me to focus on my homework. Doodling in my planner for a few minutes also helps to release those yearnings of procrastination. And, without fail, putting on a playist from my iPod keeps me motivated and happy and comfortable enough to continue working.

And then, sometimes I just have to find somewhere downstairs to work because there's too many distractions in my room.

Shut up.

Oh, and if by being "there for me", you mean going behind my back and telling my ex-boyfriend everything I said, then yeah, you were there for me. Also, who is "we"? You were my best friend. You and only you. There was no one else, there is no one else to put the blame on for why I stopped confiding in you. It was you.

I'm sorry that I just want to put the past behind me. I'm sorry that I don't trust you anymore. But, you know what? You never made this easy for me. So I don't give a shit about your whining that we don't talk enough. I don't give a shit about how much I'm hurting you, because you have no idea how much you hurt me.

Pessimists

I'm sorry for trying to destroy you. You don't deserve it. More than anything, you are my ragdoll that I beat up on, and you silently absorb all of it, take the abuse and the hurt. You have no idea that you are being hurt right now, but you will. I can't do this with you. I can't breathe anymore, I felt so much freer when you weren't laying on my guilty conscience. So, I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of the hurt I'm about to give you. But you just don't feel like you're mine.

Jess texted me and asked me to update her on my life. As if I am going to tell her anything. I'm sure that Kaylie has told her about me and my uncontrollable mouth, my inability to think before I speak and to form correct sentences that actually convey what I want to say. Those are mistakes, regrets, things that I would take back if I could. So are the things I told Jess, which she told to Allison, which she told to him. Feeding the fire and feuling a completely unneccessary blow up. And to be honest, I wish her the best in life, but I lost my friend when that fight errupted. I can't trust her anymore, I see now that she's not on my side any longer.

nobody said it was easy.

I am waiting as patiently as I can for the coming of the next chapter in my life, featuring a new boy who tells me sweet things and seems at least slightly more stable than you. I am reminded again and again of you, of everything we did, of the things you said to me, the way we felt when we were alone. The few pieces of happy memories that I was able to salvage in the fire of our breakup, they will stay with me forever. But our life together has burned down, I need to build a new one, with someone else this time. I think I found that someone else, for now.

So, although you continue to haunt my life, this is me, picking up the pieces and carrying on. Because you can't hurt me anymore. Because I found someone new to tell me I'm pretty and to hold my hand when I'm crying. I found someone new to care about me.

And so now I turn to you, fairweather friend, who went behind my back and said things I had told you in confidence, brought them straight to the enemy. Text me and facebook poke me and like my statuses and reblog my tumblr posts all you want, but that isn't going to undo any of the trauma you led me straight into, that isn't going to take any of the words back that you told him. You don't deserve a place in my life if that is how you believe you should treat me. I have always been there for you, through absolutely everything. Yes, my fight has been long and tiresome and difficult, but you clearly can't sympathize with me or be there for me if this is how you want to play. Game fucking on.