Pinups

We were having a private conversation, until you decided to eavesdrop and then loudly offer suggestions that were completely inappropriate. You are completely inappropriate. And it was one of those times when you can't think of any witty, sly, or biting remark to come back with until you're driving home and fuming about the situation while the world outside cries with sympathy. And it was just that: You are completely inappropriate, because I know that would have gotten to you, because I still know you, because you haven't changed in the three years since we've last talked. And I can tell, just in the way others talk about you, just in the way you delivered that last, grotesque comment. You haven't changed a bit.

Sometimes, I kick myself for ever having such a romanticized view of you that I let it blind me. No matter how many times you attempt to get to me, either to crack a smile, or to make me explode, I will never be ready to talk to you.

torus

The strings of my life are coming undone, the glue that holds me together is drying up and losing its hold. I want things to be okay, I really do- but everything is catching up with all of us, and we are losing control of the situation and handling them in ways we should not. Stress is affecting everyone, and I hate that you don't try. There aren't many things that are stable anymore, and I wish you were one of those things.

Le Tour d'Eiffel

You brought with you offerings of Parisian life: a special painting of the Eiffel Tower, and an array of burned CDs filled with French music. I appreciated the thought, and fell in love with your thoughtfulness and effort that went into the painting. But on this occasion, when I pulled off my sweatshirt revealing a lovely blue, flowered tank top, your utterance of, "That is such a weird shirt" brought me spiralling back down towards earth, reminding me that some things just never change.

No, it's totally cool: don't even bother telling me your plans when I ask about them, don't bother giving me any other information other than "I want the money you owe me" and feel free to just throw all of the blame for your ruined plans on me. Forget everything I said to you 10 minutes ago, because I told you exactly where I was going and obviously it's my fault if you don't remember. You are a hypocritical, shallow, fake, douchebag. Don't even come up to me and casually ask me where I was, then get on the phone and say, "Nevermind, I found her." I wasn't lost, you dumb fucking prick. I am absolutely done conforming to your schedule, and I don't care about what you want. I already have plans, and if that is a problem for you, complain to someone else. I am done listening to anything that you have to say. You are a stupid, selfish, spineless, douchebag and you aren't worth the shit on my shoes.

While having a long conversation about boys last night, my friends seem to believe that there isn't a chance for them if a boy likes me. Even though I don't return those feelings, hahaha. Also, although I really wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to talk to them about how I feel about a boy or two. The only person I've ever felt comfortable sharing that type of thing with is Erica, and that is most likely because she doesn't either know or see these boys everyday. Also, one or two of my friends have had feelings towards Kyle, to which I really want to scream, "He's the farthest thing from a great guy! He toyed with my emotions and then essentially broke my heart and put me in a depression for months! You deserve so much more than that!" But again, I can't bring myself to speak up. They know him, they have classes with him, they make jokes with him in the hallway. And I feel like there's nothing I can do but watch.

I can't talk about my feelings, I suppose, because that would make them real. I would rather discuss and analyze someone else's problems than deal with my own.

Dear Boys,
Thank you for your flattering attention, but really. All I want is a fucking prom date. And one of you wants to date me, and the other one... I never know what you're thinking. And it drives me crazy. And I have a lot of things to say to both of you that I am too afraid to admit but for now, please know that I simply don't date anyone and this is very hard for me. Also, I will never love either of you as much as I love my cat.
Sincerely, Kara.