I would like to believe you still care, that you're still there somewhere in the shadows. I would like to believe that you've always been there. But I think, at the bottom of my heart, I know that you're gone, that the monsters hiding in the dark are of my own design, that you aren't waiting for me in there. I would like to be perfect, tried to be perfect for you, but if that wasn't enough to keep you, then I have to accept it isn't enough to keep you waiting.

I always get this knot of anxiety before I go home; I am safer here, your presence is not so overwhelming here. Our spheres still overlap, our friends still remain the same, still share jokes and laughter with both of us. My friends here are entirely my own, you hold no influence on them. I am trying to come to terms with what I hope is the last of my big revelations about our relationship, and I hope it all passes quickly, that I may be able to completely let go, to completely move on.