Brand New

Every one of my 16 mosquito bites (17, since you count my tattoo every time) reminds me of you- of trampolines, of obnoxious boys who make admirable attempts to get along with me, of gas station food, of never being able to keep my shoes (sandals) on for longer than five minutes. And every single day this week has been nothing less than amazing, despite the whisperings, despite the comments that turn the moment from natural and comfortable to awkward and weird. I could spend every moment with you: getting lost on the way to Newburyport; ice cream at 9 PM; falling asleep on your bed. I'm so excited that I have all of this to look forward to, for the rest of the summer.

Defiant

Just looking at the back of your head as you watch for oncoming cars gives me butterflies. I could spend the rest of my summer doing this with you.

You open the door for me and we turn around the corner and there he is- giving me that look of a friend from long ago. But you don't know him, you don't know about ice skating and kissing and broken contact lenses and dropping out of school. He is buying a bouquet saying "It's a Boy!" and he is telling me about his job at the bank, and I realize exactly how far away my worlds used to be, before that world- the world with him- fell away and you replaced it instead. And just moments before we were joking about keying his car, and now he and I are discussing banks and I keep glancing at the bouquet like it might explain to me who it's going to, and why. Those two worlds eclipsed for a brief moment, and turning to you, I leave the brush with the past behind.

I wish that everything would slow down. May is flying by and my Senior Prom is on Thursday. To be honest, I am terrified of what comes after this.

Again & Again

Through all the twists and turns, you turned to me and said, "Where are you taking me? This is crazy." Smiling, I led you down another staircase, towards the elevator. You were putting your blind trust in me, your senses were completely thrown off with every new room, hallway, staircase, and elevator we entered. You paused to look out a window facing the courtyard, and I whispered, "Isn't it pretty?" Because you would never admit it, but you were impressed by the sheer size of the place, by the myriad of floors accompanying it, and my ability to navigate through it. Yes, maybe there is a less complicated way of reaching our destination, but when have I ever taken the easy way to anything? And, once a reliable route is found, why would the most-easily-lost girl in Boston ever think to stray from that route? "I'm glad that I'm not driving," you sighed, laughing at the volume and insanity of the drivers around us. And that is just the way that I want it to stay: with me always in control, always in the driver's seat, and you forever the watchman, looking for openings in the traffic and looking to me for leadership.

Pinups

We were having a private conversation, until you decided to eavesdrop and then loudly offer suggestions that were completely inappropriate. You are completely inappropriate. And it was one of those times when you can't think of any witty, sly, or biting remark to come back with until you're driving home and fuming about the situation while the world outside cries with sympathy. And it was just that: You are completely inappropriate, because I know that would have gotten to you, because I still know you, because you haven't changed in the three years since we've last talked. And I can tell, just in the way others talk about you, just in the way you delivered that last, grotesque comment. You haven't changed a bit.

Sometimes, I kick myself for ever having such a romanticized view of you that I let it blind me. No matter how many times you attempt to get to me, either to crack a smile, or to make me explode, I will never be ready to talk to you.

torus

The strings of my life are coming undone, the glue that holds me together is drying up and losing its hold. I want things to be okay, I really do- but everything is catching up with all of us, and we are losing control of the situation and handling them in ways we should not. Stress is affecting everyone, and I hate that you don't try. There aren't many things that are stable anymore, and I wish you were one of those things.