Getting lonely.

This week has been one of the most stressful ever. It is now sinking in that I will not greet Chelsea at our dorm, I will be living by myself for an undetermined amount of time. Shopping for dorm supplies has been stressing me out beyond belief; I want to give up and just not show up at school on Tuesday. I'm scared, I'm anxious, and I'm sad. I hate not knowing what I'm getting into, I hate going into situations blind-folded. I hate change.

My deal.

Yesterday was a tough day; it was the lowest I've ever felt, the ugliest I've ever felt in a long time. Luckily, my friends were there to buoy me up and were supportive and understanding when I kept delaying our meeting.

Today I have a lot of sorting to do, packing for school starts today. This is always a scary and stressful time in the year, and its even harder when my mom isn't there to support me. I am only 19, I can't juggle all of these things on my own.

Also, this song pretty much sums up my summer. Depressing, right?

Head first.

Something has snapped. I can't handle any of this anymore. I had such a great day yesterday with Kelsie, one of my closest friends, and we talked about everything and how we wanted the future to be, how we ourselves wanted to be. I felt so hopeful then, so full of promise and potential to be whomever I wanted. A mere 24 hours later, I've slumped down into this rut, where the walls of all the things I have to accomplish this week are towering over me and I am shrinking away from them, afraid of being suffocated under their importance and intimidation.

But I need time for me too, I've been running myself ragged all summer and I need to get down off this absolutely absurd level of anxiety I have been teetering on for the past four months. I think I'll try doing some yoga tonight.

One day at a time.

Today my Dad, brother, and I went to the Peabody Museum, an anthropological museum on the Harvard campus. My Dad and I were having a great day- we loved looking at all the skeletons and fragments of wars long past and lives long lost. But by the end of the day, I could see the dark storm clouds brewing in my brother, so I told my Dad that I had college prep-work to do this weekend and that we had to go home. I felt guilty being in my grandparents' hair, creating strong waves in their extremely still waters.

This week, it just feels like I can't get out of anyone's way, I can't wish myself invisible and silent like I have so many other times, and I am scared that my brother is slipping through my fingers.

the fear of god.

Today my brother, father, and I went to Plymouth Plantation, visiting the Native Americans (who are native to the area and whose tribe have lived in Massachusetts for 12,000 years!); the role players and their tiny, smelly houses and overgrown gardens; and the livestock they keep there year-round. I took this picture of a goat sniffing my camera! It was really interesting, coming back after all those years I had spent there as a child, being bored and not taking anything in and trying to trick the roleplayers. Now that I can appreciate the place, I found it so interesting.

Lately my patience has run short with distant friends and aquaintances who want to get together before the summer's over. I appreciate and am flattered by their interest in keeping me in their lives, but I go back to school on August 30. I have an almost dehabilitating form of anxiety. There is no making plans with me before that date. My schedule up until that point is already packed full, and I am not going to try and squeeze them in anywhere, so they'll have to wait until Winter Break like the rest of my friends. The only thing they're doing for me right now is increasing my stress.

To be quiet

Today begins my three-day stay with Mark and my dad. Spending this much time around my dad and letting him get to me and stress me out this much lately has me feeling more ready for school, to be out of everyone's hair, and to start focusing on other things again. I will be happy, I will be healthy, I will be free.

Louis

Today we threw a party for Mark's graduation/going off to college, and it was so great. Great family and friends, great food, great laughs. The two wine coolers I had loosened me up just enough to be able to relax and laugh, without feeling anxious. It was a very loving, happy day in all.

I asked Dr. G today if I should send Ryan a letter, letting him know I'm doing okay and that I hope he is doing okay as well. He said that Ryan is still too angry and bitter to accept any kind of graciousness or kindness from me, and will resent me even more for it. I just want this to be over, I just want to move on with my life free of these hostility ropes that are tying me to him. I just want to send the olive branch, and be done with it forever.

Also, I decided to move forward with Derek. He's technically single, and I need to stop worrying about everyone else's opinions and feelings and start thinking about my own. This is my life and I'll make my own mistakes.

Hollows

I need to start somewhere; I need to find a place to find my footing and climb. I called Dad today, asked him about possible vacations, and then he tried to place the blame on me for not picking up the ball fast enough. I'm sorry, I didn't know that I was running this show? And it was impossible to make plans without first knowing when I was leaving for school, and a vacation with you is not the first item on my list of things I have to readjust according to the time schedule change.

That seemed to only create more stress, so tomorrow when I talk to dad about scheduling these mini vacations I'm also planning to ask about money for the things I need for school. Because there are a lot, and I am broke, and I'm already having high anxiety about going back to school as it is, so it would be a great comfort to me if everything I needed was taken care of before I go off gallivanting with you.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One problem at a time. I can only do so much.

The Girls of Wolfeboro

This weekend we spent with Jimmy and my step-siblings, as it was my step-brother, Tyler's, birthday. He had a party and a bunch of his drunk friends over, who are endearing and as polite as one can be while drunk, but towards 11 PM I started feeling claustrophobic and anxious. I was trying to focus on the Red Sox game, but the massive group of girls standing right up against me were all chittering about their previous drunken escapades in the last week alone, and arguing over who was the most drunk that night. Why anyone would ever want to brag about how drunk they were, is beyond me. Though, I do suppose it's a form of setting places- puffing their chests out, trying to look more intimidating than the girl next to her. The girls who I knew at the party- and there weren't many that I knew- were not participating in this social ritual, and I feel that it made it all the more easier to distinguish the girls with substance, stability, and morals from those floozies who had come for the free alcohol, weed, and maybe a happy ending by the end of the night with one of Tyler's many guy friends. It's not exactly my favorite way to spend an evening.

Yesterday, when Melissa got out of work, we had dinner and then went to see Harry Potter 7.2 in 3D. It was just as amazing as the first time, and we were both crying during the end. I am so thankful for someone as level-headed and fun as Melissa for my sister.

lucky day

Yesterday I went to Boston to hang out with my childhood friend, James. His mother and my mother have been friends since they were in grade school. It was refreshingly great, we had lunch and chatted about everything- and I've never wanted to transfer to a Boston school as badly before. I wish it wasn't so close to my family, but I know that I need them there in case anything were to happen. I already know the city pretty well, and I was initially accepted into Emerson before the Farm. I would love to live there and start over, in a way. Part of me feels tied to the city, wrapped around a streetlamp by the Common, and yet another part of me feels the obligation and necessity to return to Maine, to fight through whatever demons I'm facing instead of running away. And right now, that seems like the best option.

Style

I explained to my therapist today about how I tend to view people and categorize them, and how I apply this to myself. It's difficult to explain, but after my messy breakup and months of my ex slandering me to anyone who would listen, I became quite controlling of how I want to be viewed by other people, and how I want to view myself. I want to be seen as grown up, sophisticated, feminine, and happy, but more importantly, I want to feel and believe in those things. And I believe it's a fake-it-until-you-make-it kind of circumstance, because while I don't believe I possess any of those qualities, I want to make others think I do, and I want to at least pretend that I do.

My trip to New York a few weeks ago made me aware of this fact, when I saw it reflected in my older step-sister and my step-brother's girlfriend. They have their own ways of faking it, and so will I. It's an important step for me to take control of my life, to be sure of myself and who I am before I set foot back on campus and subject myself to the problems I had last year.