Blood or Block.

I went into this year thinking that This is it: This will be my year. I would make lots of friends, keep on top of all my homework, go to clubs and get a job, and still have time to breathe. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to breathe, because I was enjoying it all so much. This year couldn't be turning out more opposite than that. I'm struggling, I have so much to remember and do and I can't make any real friends. I have so much self-hate and self-loathing stored up inside of me this week that I just don't want to try anymore. I just want to go back home and let life slip by me, watching it go like a film. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a prisoner.

Free to Fly

I can see the possibilities of who I could become next in every shining green leaf of the trees, in every breath I take while I remind myself that I am alive. This is such a joyous feeling, something I haven't felt in nearly a year, to be truly excited and happy with what is coming next. This is the start. A change is coming, and I am prepared for it because I am happy and proud of myself and who I have become. This is only the beginning, and from here there is only blue skies and sunshine and the anticipation of what is yet to come.

It's a exhilarating idea, if I think about it for long enough: I am alive. I am free. I have good, healthy food in my stomach and classes that challenge me and a closet full of my favorite outfits. I have a space to think, to be inspired, to create, I have a bed and a TV to lull me to sleep, I have the love of my family and friends who I remain in regular contact with. These are simple things, that I sometimes take for granted, but right now I feel as if I am the luckiest girl in the whole world, to be living this life and have all these open doors and opportunities. This is one of those moments where I feel as if I've made it.

Up in All Directions

Things have been going pretty well. I had an uplifting day yesterday, where the sun was shining and I felt comfortable and confident and able to stand on my own two feet. I attended a writer's meeting and was not afraid to interject my opinions and suggestions to the writer, someone with admittedly much more talent than I. The weekend helped to ground me a lot, I read a lot about meditation and yoga techniques and opportunities for deep breathing exercises throughout the day. I babysat my cousins, who were more than the usual handful, and had a day of relaxation with my Aunt in Auburn where we got our nails done. I feel myself improving, and it's encouraging.

Today, the rain is not going to stop me from wearing my heels and being proud of who I am.

Our Deal.

This week has been full of progress and setbacks. I'm chatting more in class with my peers, exchanging smiles and laughs and anecdotes and names. I feel a bit more comfortable around them. Generally I feel more in control of my life, my priorities, my future. However, I still have yet to finding and securing a job, and each time I am let down, despite my status as a Work-Study student, it gets more and more discouraging. I've got to send my mom a description of the jobs I have been eyeing, hopefully she can help me out with starting the process all over again. Tomorrow I have to go to Merrill and fill out paperwork. I'm just scared that I am going to fail in this aspect.

This song has been stuck in my head for a few days now. Kind of reminds me of my deal, whatever that is.

Call the Shots!

Today was the first cheery day since summer, and I am so grateful for that. I needed a day where I wasn't miserable the whole time. Let's hope this feeling continues! A little sucky that I had to take my pills to make it happen, but at this point, I will take anything I can get.

My classes are alright, I'm starting to warm up to them. I still don't know what the point of my sociology class is, as the professor never came out and said what the subject is really about. He just lists off names of people and that they are important to sociology, which, you know, is really super helpful. I'm starting to really get into my Fiction Writing class, despite how many obnoxious and pretentious people there are. I also think my English class will be good, one of my only friends is in that class so I am excited for that! I'm a little unsure about French. I had a bad start yesterday morning and thought I was going to the right time, when in fact just as I was arriving, the class was ending. Super. But I am not going to let that slow me down, I will just have to work all the more harder next class!

As you can probably tell, genuine optimism is rare for me, but as always, I will just have to fake it until I make it.

Home life.

Last week I moved back into school. It was stressful and overwhelming and I am incredibly lonely there, without a real friend on campus. I decided to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach instead of on campus with my new roommate, who wouldn't have been around anyway. I am encouraged by others around me to step out and try new things, meet new people, even to go to a party or two, but instead of feeling empowered by the opportunity for change I have been given, I am shrinking away from them, intimidated and scared. I wish I had realized how easy I had it last year, instead of ignoring it and wallowing in my other problems. Last year I wanted to be as far away from home as possible. This year, I wish I was there in a heartbeat.