Happy medium

Spending most of my time at home and with my cats has had its beneficial effects, such as jolts of creativity and lots of time to spend by myself, and being holed back up in this room has helped me climb back into the soft, comfortable, broken-in personality that I was all throughout high school. I listen to music too loudly, dance around my room, doodle in my planner and create page after page in my art journal, look at things from a different point of view, speak french to my cats, and never depend on a boy to make me happy. If I can hold onto this until school starts again, I may just survive, or I may just have to start over somewhere new.

Today Mom and I went on an hour long walk around our neighborhood, making fun of all the weird looking houses and Mom even cut in on a father and son's basketball game. In all the time I have spent complaining about where I live and how much I hate it, I forgot how peaceful and beautiful it can be.

Sometimes it gets hard to leave the house, but my bravery returns with a shower and a coffee. Routines, routines, routines.

Frustrations and Vibrations

I am so far in the single mentality that I am pushing away all the wonderful attention my boyfriend gives me, simply because he isn't Ryan or Sebastian. He won't make me love him like they did; he is never going to make me feel the way they made me feel.

This is the time in my life when I am figuring things out, testing the waters, and finding my way. One day, I will finally get it right.

Sources

We cuddled on the floor, kissing and giggling and holding hands. But I didn't feel anything, as nice as it was, you didn't make my heart flutter or make me feel relaxed and comfortable. I was thinking ahead to going home, to cuddling with my cat and being alone again. I don't know what this means, what you expect from me. Because I am a mess, it's hard to live with myself, and I have so many other things and people to deal with.

Your hands crept up my legs as I whined about the last boy to hurt me, who I have to see and pass by in the street. Who talks about me to his roommate while they oh-so-subtly stare in my direction. You listened, you told me what I needed to hear, and in return you felt what you wanted. That's how it always was, how it always will be.

Identifying

Sometimes just browsing through pictures on the internet is enough to make my mind wander, to stop thinking about all the stressors in my life and just relax. A lot of times, a cup of tea around this time of night (7 PM) helps me to focus on my homework. Doodling in my planner for a few minutes also helps to release those yearnings of procrastination. And, without fail, putting on a playist from my iPod keeps me motivated and happy and comfortable enough to continue working.

And then, sometimes I just have to find somewhere downstairs to work because there's too many distractions in my room.