In the nick of time

I had a month-long streak of general happiness, only to be shot to shit by my stupid ex-boyfriend and a sudden cropping up of loneliness and fights with practically everyone I know. I don't know why everything can't just go right for once.

Death's second self

I feel so overwhelmed. I'm in another fight with my mom, and she continues to call me everyday because I suppose she just hasn't gotten the message that I don't want to talk to her. And I feel that now that she doesn't have two kids in her face every day, who are tucked away at college, she feels like she has the perfect life now and has no actual interest in my life or my problems. She doesn't show sympathy or comfort when I blatantly ask for it, she doesn't remember anything that I tell her. She's more interested and more invested in the lives of her boyfriend's children, my step-siblings, than mine. And maybe its because I've been a more difficult child over the past few years, maybe because she sees stability in their lives and chaos and destruction in ours. And this weekend brought with it a few hard-hitting events for me, and she doesn't even know about them, because she doesn't care enough to ask, and she doesn't want to open my emotional pit, because it always comes spitting out on her.

I may be 19, I may be a legal adult, but I still need a mother.

The way things are.

Almost a whole month has gone by in the space of what feels like just two weeks. I have been constantly dealing with one stress or another, training at my job and having fun there and feeling like I belong somewhere, pushing myself harder than ever to get a washboard stomach and mastering my latest yoga pose, and playing catch up with all of my classes. I feel so off-balance, I feel like at any moment I might just disappear in the blink of an eye. I'd have never thought that simply living day to day was this difficult.

Rose-tinted eyes.

It's been a whirlwind rollercoaster of a week, and I'm glad it's over. I had almost admitted defeat of finding a job this semester, when as I as signing the paper telling the University to hold my work study money until next semester, someone mentioned that a position had literally just opened up at the library. I jumped on it, and got the job. A few hours later, I had a three hour long panic attack because my mother doesn't know how to deal with me and makes all my emotions worse rather than better. I'm so scared that my life is not going to be perfect.

Chelsea and Taylor might be stopping by on Sunday, which is nice. I feel like I need this weekend to recover and catch up and prepare for the onslaught that is next week. It's a three-day week, which you'd think would be easy, except for I have two midterms to study for and I start work at the library. Thursday after work I am going home, and I cannot wait to be all alone with my mom and cats again.

Mourning.

My desperate job search is coming to a close. I have to have a job by tomorrow, and by the looks of things, I am going to be without one for the semester. I've let myself down tremendously, as this was one of my main goals of this semester- to have an income, to not be so financially dependent on my parents and call them every week to put money in my account for pills. I've found myself wondering lately, What is the point of being here? Why am I here, when I am clearly not cultivating a better me, when I am just going through the motions of living in a place where I clearly do not belong? I don't know where I belong right now. I don't know how I can still be dreaming of studying abroad when simply living two states away from my friends and family is a disabling anxiety to me.

I can't make you love me.

This has been a high-stress, high anxiety week, as I wish more and more that I were home and seeing my friends thrive at their schools while I am clearly drowning, isolating myself with schoolwork and that natural Massachusetts way of ignoring everyone on the street or to give them all dirty looks. I don't mean to, I try to be friendly, I try to make conversation, I try and try and try and all these things and expectations are built up and I crumble underneath. I cannot handle the stress, I cannot handle where I am in my life right now.

I've been reflecting a lot on my ex-boyfriend this week, thinking about what happened and what I did wrong. But I realized, just as I had blamed him for not being mature enough to handle our relationship, neither was I. I couldn't take his word when he said he loved me, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted big, fancy, grand expressions of adoration, something that he was not capable of and I knew it and I shouldn't have expected it of him. Its been almost a year since our split, and I still miss him a lot. But I need to let go of his memory, I need to stop nurturing and protecting it. I am so young, and I have a lot more broken hearts to collect.

Blood or Block.

I went into this year thinking that This is it: This will be my year. I would make lots of friends, keep on top of all my homework, go to clubs and get a job, and still have time to breathe. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to breathe, because I was enjoying it all so much. This year couldn't be turning out more opposite than that. I'm struggling, I have so much to remember and do and I can't make any real friends. I have so much self-hate and self-loathing stored up inside of me this week that I just don't want to try anymore. I just want to go back home and let life slip by me, watching it go like a film. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a prisoner.