Things I have to do today before Dad picks me up:

• Laundry
• Cat box
• Clean the bathrooms
• Fridgerate beers
• Sweep the kitchen
• Pack
• English project
• French project
• Algebra homework
• Shower
• Take pills

What have I done so far?

• Printed out 50 pages worth of fanfiction
• Ate breakfast
• Watched HGTV for 4 hours

It's at these times when I really fucking hate myself.

Starting over

I really hate how bipolar I can be. I have no doubts that it gets on other people's nerves too. I'm hoping that my consultation for my anxiety goes over well, because although I'm terrified of the effects of anti-anxiety meds, I really hope they'll help me calm down and stop unnecessarily worrying over stupid little things. I hope they'll help me to deal with the big things.

I need to start my homework before Friday. I need to start writing this goddamn chapter!

All the happiness

I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. I feel some people are pushing and shoving their way to be more important than others in my life, which cannot happen. Family always comes first for me; I have a big family who I don't see very often so I have to accomodate them when the opportunity arises. At the moment, I'm very stressed, scared, confused, and tired, and I feel that even though I want to be in Waltham with my Dad and my best friend, I really should be back home with my mom. She can calm me down when I feel like this; and she can comfort me. I want to be with my family, not just my friends. I've traveled far too much since the last time I've taken a break, and I feel I need to sit back and relax for a while. I want to spend quality time with my dad, but he doesn't realize how much I've been through these past few months, and how tired I really am. Just as everyone else is getting up after the long winter, I'm ready to hibernate. I'm scared.

I need longer than a week to fix what's wrong with me.

30 minutes and a library

I've just fallen in to more friend drama, which actually doesn't have anything to do with my directly, but I can't help but try and mediate the situation, and throw my advice in before they ruin everyone's lives. I don't want this to destory everyone's friendships, and sometimes I think they're just being selfish because they don't care about anyone else's feelings, directly or indirectly. That group of friends is supposed to be everyone's security, a group of people with whom we all feel safe and content. We are supposed to be able to spill anything and everything to each other, and with this potential rift, we can't help but take sides, and it's going to destroy us if we don't step in.

I'm such a fucking American.

Happy Easter!

I feel like I would be so much happier if summer was here. I am in dire need of a vacation.

Things I need to work on:

• my English paper
• getting over my fear of confrontation
• telling both of you how what I really feel
• obtaining my driver's license

Sleep

Lately I've had no desire to eat as much junk food as I would usually on any given week. For two weeks now, I've bought nothing but fruit, water and health bars. Just thinking about all of the sugar and fats that I normally consume makes me lose my appetite. I realized this when a few minutes ago my dad offered me potato chips, and I declined, and then he suggested grapes, which I went insane over.

Now I am going to continue to procrastinate on the seven-page research paper that is due on Monday.

Down

There are no words for how I feel about you. You always tend to ruin my day. I'm going to move on, and find someone better. I will be happy.

this is my last blog about you.

I try to be as understanding as possible with one of my friends, who is slowly slipping away from me. We are just growing in two separate directions, and that's perfectly okay. But I think she's sort of in denial about it and as a result, every little thing she does irritates me. I am at my wit's end with her, and I feel if she makes one more comment that irks me it will send me over the edge. We are just not the same people anymore, and I really have no clue what to do about our friendship. Obviously, I want to remain friends, as she is one of my closest, but she is really trying my patience.

For example, I am not allowed to talk about essentially any music that I like. I am not allowed to talk about my other friends, who I am not allowed to call my best friends. My other friends have been calling me their best friend for a while now, and I feel guilty for not being able to say the same about them. I am just generally not allowed to be myself around her anymore, and it's really sad that she can't appreciate and accept who I am now.

good morning

It's so nice out. I am so profoundly glad to see humanity again, with everyone out and about in the nice weather. People are out working on their cars, taking bike rides, walking out on the sidewalks- its just so refreshing to see real, live people out on the streets again, and it gives me hope in the world.

Today I need to buy new flip flops and maybe some sunglasses. My cool 80's glasses broke yesterday. :(

I want my lisence so badly. I also want my cute little Volkswagen Beetle, in which my friends and I will have many fun, summer adventures.

I need more motivation in life.