Two AM

Yesterday, Devon and I had a really deep conversation about time, hahah. We just can't believe how fast the months go by, while still feeling that the weeks drag on. We were sitting on the rocks at the beach, hiding our skin from the cold wind, and wishing that we were there instead on a warm summer day, wearing bathing suits instead of winter coats. Just thinking about cap ou pas cap?, all our beach days, camping, tagging Ryan's car- it all feels like it happened yesterday, when in reality it's been six months. I want it all back, the warmth, the sun, the loud music and all of the laughter. I want us all to be singing along to our favorite songs with the windows down, our sunglasses on, chocolate milkshakes and sodas, on our way to the beach. Summers in the past have all been when I was happiest, when I was free and in the sun and I was constantly moving, constantly travelling. I know it sounds hypocritical because I always complain about going anywhere, but I always want to be on the move, and being stuck here in the winter really sucks.

I really need to stop complaining about this, but I have had such a terrible case of S.A.D. the past few weeks, it's unbelievable.

I remember dancing across this floor many times last summer. I remember the scent of the flower garden reaching all parts of the property, steeping into my clothes in the drawer and my pillowcase, so that my hair smelled like flowers when I woke up. I remember running across 8 acres of land, and climbing trees and lying beside butterfly bushes and playing soccer in the corn field. I remember smiles and alcohol and loud, cheery voices and the lack of television or video games. I remember the frightening quiet after everyone had left, and it was just us. Alone on eight acres and two big houses and no noise. I remember bare feet, shorts, tank tops, bathing suits, and heat. I remember stepping on a bee hidden in the grass, I remember getting the worst sunburn of my life, I remember walking through Rodman's Hollow without any flashlights, expecting to encounter the devil at any moment. I remember acoustic guitars and crossword puzzles and startled deer.

But most importantly, I remember the feeling of absolute peace everyone shared, content to listen to the music playing or shoot the breeze with their housemates or play football out in the yard. I remember, one summer, I was freer than I've ever felt.

Stream of consciousness

A boy asked me out for Valentine's Day yesterday. I thought he was joking. Boys make me so rediculously uncomfortable, I don't even know. I don't know what I feel about anyone anymore. I feel so confused and upset about every little thing and I know I should be taking my pills but I just can't bring myself to. I really hate medication and the idea of it makes me really sad. I have to rely on a little white pill to make me normal. Sometimes I miss Kyle and that makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I want to talk to my mother but then I remember that she's a raging psychopath and I don't want anyone's pity. So everything stays locked up, and tense. I just really don't like how I feel right now.

The slightest things set me off and cause me to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I'm antsy for break, I want to have a week that is all mine and spend it however I want, filled with adventures to new places and long car rides and loud music. I want to have as close to a substitute of summer as I possibly can.

I can't wait for my birthday. I can't wait to have my tattoo, and I don't really care if no one supports my decision. I can't wait to party in Boston with my best friends and feel truly alive for the first time in a long while.

Arch

I dropped the biggest hint about prom to Ryan yesterday and I didn't even mean to. haha I was just being my normal, panicky self when Ciara started talking about prom and I was like, "Let's not talk about it." And Ryan suddenly perked up and was like, "Why?" So Devon and I took turns explaining that it's unnecessary for people to be talking about prom so early in the season, and that I especially didn't want to talk about it because I have to find a boy date and not just Devon, because my mom wants me to. Vikki backed me up even further, saying that her mom said she wouldn't pay for her dress if she didn't go with a boy. I don't think many people believe my story because my mom doesn't seem like that, but Vikki backing it up helped. My mom has been trying to set me up with senior prom dates since the summer before freshman year, it is that big of a deal to her.

Hopefully, the message gets across that yes, he should ask me. I don't want to take advantage of him like that because I don't have any feelings for him but he's my closest straight, single, male friend and I don't have very many options, okay? I hate prom so much.