For a short while

The more everyone is beginning to talk about prom, the more nervous I get. I feel pressured to have an actual date (who is male and not my bffs) but, as it happens, I tend to push away all male attention and therefore come up short for a date. Not that I should even be worrying about it now, but Mel is planning it out like it's her wedding day, and I just was never aware that prom was supposed to be like that at all.

Home Alone

There is a certain halfway point between freedom and parental control that comes with being seventeen. I know it, my friends know it, and my mother knows it. "Be sure to clean up the kitchen," she says, taking her bags into her arms. I nod, not registering anything. "And do the laundry. I'll be back tomorrow." She gives me several hugs and kisses, before she's out the door, and I am locking it behind her. I glance around at the messy kitchen, and start to get ready to go out with my friends.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

shopping addiction

I think it's really funny that as soon as Devon suggests that we stop shopping so much, we go out shopping even more. Yesterday we went to Whole Foods, and then today we went to Target. I am going back to buy a pair of heels that I fell absolutely in love with. I am so rediculous.

Reflections

Kelsie told me a few weeks ago that Kyle "was like in love" with me. Nice to know what an asshole I am.

In the moment

I love my friends. I really, really do.

I suck

I'm feeling so stressed out to the point of sickness, and I can't take much more of this. Tomorrow is the show, and after that it's all over. I can't wait to have my life back. However, there is still the mistake I made earlier today that I'm beating myself up over. It seems like after every little thing, I want to cry, and I'm too stressed out to handle any of this anymore.

Caffine and Love Notes

December's here, another four weeks of madness, anxiety, laughs, fights, learning, forgetting, spending and saving. Another four weeks to have an astounding, life-altering revelation, to realize that yes, Kyle broke my heart but that doesn't mean I can't survive. Mel and I are no longer best friends but that doesn't mean we can't have fun. The girls and I always have our problems but that doesn't mean we can't sort them out. Mom isn't home anymore and I feel alone in a big house most nights but that doesn't mean I can't be strong. John's in the hospital with a coma but that doesn't mean he won't make it. Erica doesn't see me everyday but that doesn't mean I have no one to talk to when I really need it.

These are the only people I have. I can't just push them away because I'm being anti-social, or I don't want to face the problem obstructing me. Eventually, I will have to talk to Kyle and I will have to get over being annoyed at Mel. I will have to be strong and bear through it all and work out my problems one by one. Everything feels so frayed right now and it's easier just to curl up in my bed and hide from the world.