Shut up.

Oh, and if by being "there for me", you mean going behind my back and telling my ex-boyfriend everything I said, then yeah, you were there for me. Also, who is "we"? You were my best friend. You and only you. There was no one else, there is no one else to put the blame on for why I stopped confiding in you. It was you.

I'm sorry that I just want to put the past behind me. I'm sorry that I don't trust you anymore. But, you know what? You never made this easy for me. So I don't give a shit about your whining that we don't talk enough. I don't give a shit about how much I'm hurting you, because you have no idea how much you hurt me.

Pessimists

I'm sorry for trying to destroy you. You don't deserve it. More than anything, you are my ragdoll that I beat up on, and you silently absorb all of it, take the abuse and the hurt. You have no idea that you are being hurt right now, but you will. I can't do this with you. I can't breathe anymore, I felt so much freer when you weren't laying on my guilty conscience. So, I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of the hurt I'm about to give you. But you just don't feel like you're mine.

Jess texted me and asked me to update her on my life. As if I am going to tell her anything. I'm sure that Kaylie has told her about me and my uncontrollable mouth, my inability to think before I speak and to form correct sentences that actually convey what I want to say. Those are mistakes, regrets, things that I would take back if I could. So are the things I told Jess, which she told to Allison, which she told to him. Feeding the fire and feuling a completely unneccessary blow up. And to be honest, I wish her the best in life, but I lost my friend when that fight errupted. I can't trust her anymore, I see now that she's not on my side any longer.

nobody said it was easy.

I am waiting as patiently as I can for the coming of the next chapter in my life, featuring a new boy who tells me sweet things and seems at least slightly more stable than you. I am reminded again and again of you, of everything we did, of the things you said to me, the way we felt when we were alone. The few pieces of happy memories that I was able to salvage in the fire of our breakup, they will stay with me forever. But our life together has burned down, I need to build a new one, with someone else this time. I think I found that someone else, for now.

So, although you continue to haunt my life, this is me, picking up the pieces and carrying on. Because you can't hurt me anymore. Because I found someone new to tell me I'm pretty and to hold my hand when I'm crying. I found someone new to care about me.

And so now I turn to you, fairweather friend, who went behind my back and said things I had told you in confidence, brought them straight to the enemy. Text me and facebook poke me and like my statuses and reblog my tumblr posts all you want, but that isn't going to undo any of the trauma you led me straight into, that isn't going to take any of the words back that you told him. You don't deserve a place in my life if that is how you believe you should treat me. I have always been there for you, through absolutely everything. Yes, my fight has been long and tiresome and difficult, but you clearly can't sympathize with me or be there for me if this is how you want to play. Game fucking on.

I would like to believe you still care, that you're still there somewhere in the shadows. I would like to believe that you've always been there. But I think, at the bottom of my heart, I know that you're gone, that the monsters hiding in the dark are of my own design, that you aren't waiting for me in there. I would like to be perfect, tried to be perfect for you, but if that wasn't enough to keep you, then I have to accept it isn't enough to keep you waiting.

I always get this knot of anxiety before I go home; I am safer here, your presence is not so overwhelming here. Our spheres still overlap, our friends still remain the same, still share jokes and laughter with both of us. My friends here are entirely my own, you hold no influence on them. I am trying to come to terms with what I hope is the last of my big revelations about our relationship, and I hope it all passes quickly, that I may be able to completely let go, to completely move on.

Le passé

Driving around nearby neighborhoods, we used to point out houses to each other, we used to say, Can we live in that house? That is the house I want to raise our children in. We would laugh about our parenting techniques, how we would raise our kids, what we would name them, what sports we would put them in and what instruments they would play. We used to joke that after the third child, I would become an alcoholic, and the kids would depend on him, but he would vehemently deny that sort of responsibility, that he would leave me if I ever did that. Our naivety, our pure, idealized love was perfect then. We were, quite literally, just kids in love, even then, even in the summer, before either of us (or at least I) could realize what love was, the full potential of what we had.

I never imagined, back then, driving around house hunting with my boyfriend, that I would lose all of it just a few months later. I regret it with all my heart that I didn't appreciate the love we had while we were so deeply involved in it.

I won't cry anymore.

I remember the look on your face, the moment I saw you truly loved me- when I asked What? and you just shrugged your shoulder that wasn't pinned to the bed, because we were laying on our sides on my tiny dorm bed, and then your face broke into a grin and you leaned over and kissed my cheek. My heart aches for that moment back, for every moment. Because I loved you so much, and I still do, for some reason. I still love you, but I am still wrapped around other boys, I still crave their attention and affection and adoration. Because one heartbreak is not enough- I need more, my heart is greedy, it takes everything it can get. I miss my boyfriend. I miss feeling loved. I miss being in love. And that is the worst part. I am afraid to be alone.

what I've given up.

My morals have completely shattered; I have turned into this empty, hollow, shell of an actual human being who has no regard for other's feelings and takes, takes, takes. I don't know what I have gotten myself into, but I depend on it to get me through the next two weeks, until I am back at the nest, back in my mother's arms and with my best friends and people who actually care about my existence and don't just want to get in my pants.

I allow all of this to happen. I could have been firm, I could have said no, but I have no objection to pain and heartbreak anymore and crave the attention and affection of any male that comes across my path. I am destroying relationships across the globe, and I show no remorse. This is the life I have come to, these are the choices I have made. My path has been determined. I am useless, I am a cynical, murderous bitch. You are no longer here to keep me anchored, and my calm, serene sunshine has turned into a dangerous hurricane. I pray that this hurricane reaches you, that the evidence and gossip makes you stop and feel the slightest amount of sadness for the pain you've caused me. You have created a monster.