I'm tired, I just wanna lie back down.

I've been crying all night, and it sucks because I had such an awesome day. Listening to Chasing Lights again made me burst into tears, but this time not over him- it was over Mel, and I knew that she was my last remaining source of unhappiness. So, since I knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it otherwise, I went on facebook, opened our inbox messaging chat, and started typing. I saved what I wrote, but didn't send it. And it was exactly what I felt I had left to say to her. I know that once I am ready to send this out, that's it. This is the last shot I am giving her, and unless she is ready and willing to spring into action and fix our relationship, then I am done making any attempts. I've already tried this a number of times, and this is it for me. I have already initiated enough conversations on the topic, tried to get my point across enough times, gave her the enough chances to work things out. From that point on, it's in her hands. And I will refuse to let our relationship upset me any more than it already has. From that point on, what she chooses to do with my letter is her decision. Any steps she chooses to take from there will be her doing. I am done doing all the work on our relationship.

I need to go back to Diane. If I hold this in any longer, I swear I'm going to burst.

Forever is over

I'm not sure if I'm excited about school or not, but it's coming up in a week and I'm so depressed about summer ending. I feel like I don't know where the summer went, and I guess I'll feel a lot better once I finish my summer homework. I will have my lisence soon, I may be getting Krista's old job, and I will be a senior in high school, so I feel like I should be on top of the world, but I'm not. It's the summer homework, it's not knowing what to expect for APENG, it's my last year and I have a brand new principal who is supposedly a dictator. I want to be able to enjoy this year, I want to suddenly, magically be able to balance everything when I failed in the past. But right now, I'm not prepared, and it would be sort of awesome if I could be.

The Lord of Time

I wish I knew how not to procrastinate, how to balance my time well and efficiently, but I guess that it's part of being human. We were made without time management manuals, but now apparently you can buy them at Barnes and Noble for $14.99. I don't think that it's really anything someone can teach us, but something that we have to teach ourselves. I don't know exactly how much I can get out of a book that I can't learn from mistakes or past experience. But at the same time, people are afraid to make mistakes, to learn things for themselves, to be looked at like a failure. So they buy these books and waste obs and gobs of time learning how to manage time, like it's some kind of unruly filing system. But I think that time can go as fast or slow as it wants, while still keeping the same beat of the minutes and seconds and hours that can either fly or crawl by. It's difficult, and it takes discipline but if you can waste $14.99 and a day of your life on a time management book, then maybe you have more discipline than I do.

Not Alone

Lately I don't even know what to think. I am just so stressed and anxious and upset all the time, and I don't even know why. It just feels like all of my problems are weighing down on me, and I can't do anything with them. I feel heavy with that weight. I keep trying to look towards the future, towards my lisence (next week!) and senior year and college, but it's just those nights that I stay up at 2 AM listening to The Playlist, that all of these things come back to the front of my mind, and torment me.

Things I am currently anxious/depressed about:

• My mother
• Kyle
• Mel
• Therapy

I just cannot keep up with my mother's moods anymore. I am done walking on eggshells around her and if she snaps at me, now I just snap right back. My fuse is very short lately, and she needs to learn that. I'm tired of being angry all the time at her.

Every time I stay up at 2 AM my thoughts always wander to Kyle. I think of all the things I should have said to him and didn't, all the things I want to say to him and won't. He won't care, no one cares. I have no idea how I have held on for this long but really, it needs to end soon. I need to move on with my life, I need to find someone else who will treat me better. And the sad, sad truth (which I've cried over for many nights) is that I would do anything to have him back in my life. But I know I can't. And it really, really sucks.

I've come to the realization that Mel is no longer one of my best friends. That also really, really sucks. I feel like such a terrible person and that it's all my fault and that I could have done more to save our friendship, but none of that is really true. And that really sucks too. For years, she used to be my sole confidant, the one person whose opinion I cared about and mattered. I miss her like crazy, but mostly I miss the person she used to be. The people we both used to be. I'm trying to accept all of this but it's hard. It's really hard to accept the fact that the person who has been the main pillar in your life for almost ten years is no longer there, and it's neither of your faults.

And I really want to tell all of this to one of my therapists, any third party who is willing to listen to me and give me advice. But I've missed most of my appointments and I really need to go soon before I have a panic attack, because I can feel one coming.

She

Would you use a stage name if you became famous? If yes, what would it be?
No, I would want everyone to know I was famous hahaha

Has something heavy ever fallen on top of you?
I don't think so, I mostly fall off of heavy stuff.

Have you ever drank Hennessy?
No, I don't know what that is haha

Would you ever get one of those UV light tattoos?
NO BUT THEY LOOK SO COOL AHH. I wouldn't get one because they fade wicked fast and require a rediculous amount of touching up to keep and they're just not worth it.

Could you handle being without your best friend or significant other for more than a month?
Yes. I would miss them like crazy but it's been done before.

Do you toss and turn in your sleep?
Yes. I also take off sweatshirts in my sleep. They end up neatly on the floor. It's really creepy.

When you were younger, did you sleep alone or with someone?
I shared a room with my brother, because we lived in a two bedroom apartment.

Are you afraid of the dark or were you ever?
I'm not afraid of the dark, but if I am with a bunch of people who are I get freaked out because they freak out.

How often do you sing?
Lots and lots. I enjoy making my brother's ears bleed.

How did you wake up today?
idk, by myself.

Are you doing anything else besides filling this out?
Nope.

What kind of beverages have you had today?
Water, apple juice, iced coffe, soda.

Look straight ahead past the computer screen; what do you see?
My pillow, the phone and the lamp, and the wall.

Are you doing anything fun tonight?
No

Have you ever cried while on the phone with someone?
Yes

What should you be doing right now?
Cleaning so I can SLEEP

Do you have any drugs in your bedroom?
Nope

Have you ever seen the last person that you messaged naked?
Underwear

Do you want to see someone right now?
My pillow

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before?
Probably

Do you hate the last person you fell the hardest for?
Yes.

When was the last time you had a late night phone conversation?
Very long ago.

What is bothering you right now?
Anxieties

Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three days?
Yes

Who was the last person you were on a bed with?
Molly!

If you could have any animal as a pet, which animal would you choose?
My kitty

What woke you up this morning?
You already asked this.

Do you tend to put lyrics/quotes up on your status?
Yes

Which is more of a pain to you: Shaving your legs or shaving your arm pits?
Both!

If you could be any bird, what would you be?
A hawk or a dove. Or maybe a robin.

Is there anything hanging from your bedroom ceiling?
Light fixtures

Have you ever bought movie tickets online?
Not in a long time

Do you make a lot of those kissy faces when you take pictures?
No

Do you yell at random people while riding on rollercoasters?
No?

Are peaches yummy?
Yes

Do you ever say "Watz Gucci?"?
wtf

Do you have feelings for the last person you kissed?
No

What do you usually order from McDonald's?
Fries and a soda

Do you know what a "V Card" means?
Yes

Do you ever say sex, fuck or make love?
sex

Does it take a lot for you to say "I love you" to your significant other?
No significant other, so it works

Do you think dogs can really see in black and white?
No

Do you have expensive taste?
I dont think so

Aniston or Jolie?
ANISTON.

Do you think that 9/11 was carried out by the government?
No, Bush wasn't that smart.

Have you ever spent an entire weekend completely trashed?
No

When was the last time you slept over at someone elses house?
Yesterday

What was the last thing you got mad about?
People

Have you ever had sex in the room that you're in?
No

Do you listen to Spice Girls or Nsync still?
Both!

What was the last concert that you attended?
Death Cab in October

Have you ever used a magnifyed glass to burn bugs?
No, but I have drowned them.

Instead of watching the movie, do you ever go on Wikipedia and just read the plot summary?
Sometimes if I started at like the midde.

Has a video you've made and uploaded anywhere became popular?
Nope.

Have you ever had to take a friend to the hospital before? What happened?
No

Have you ever lived in a hotel for any reason?
No

Does your Dad and his Dad have a good relationship with each other?
I guess so?

Do you tend to be the "wallflower"?
Sometimes. I've become a lot more secluded in the past few years.

Have any of your friends committed suicide?
No

Have you ever tried to help someone but it just blew up in your face?
Yes

Would you ever erase memories of a former lover?
No

Have you ever had a crush on a married man? Co-worker?
Nope

Have you ever hallucinated before?
Nope

Are you addicted to anything at all right now?
No

Have you ever dealt drugs? What if you really needed the money?
Nope

Do you know anyone in your life that is HIV positive?
I think so? I can't remember.

In your family, would you say there's more boys or girls?
I havent noticed a difference

Do you have any flaws that you try and hide?
Yes, all of them. haha

Have you ever fallen in love with someone that you didn't expect to?
Not love, but heavy like.