Lately it has been my hair that has been bothering me the most, which is fantastic in terms of anxiety. I've been constantly moaning and groaning about how I want it to grow out, I want to get it thinned, I want more bangs, etc. I'm definitely excited for when I get my hair done.

Also, the song "Northern Downpour" by Panic! at the Disco has been on repeat for the past few days. I didn't think I'd like new Panic, but this song is surprisingly comforting, probably because it reminds me of the Northeast. I really love when I get obsessed with songs and they are constantly playing on my iPod, in the car, around the house, or I'm singing or humming them throughout the day. My friends get so annoyed with me when this happens, but they end up listening to those songs too.

I'm hoping this weekend will be a productive one, and I'm far too excited for Thanksgiving Break!

Irate

Dear Self-Victimizing Mother,

I had just as long of a day as you have; I did just as much work for just as long of a time. You even got to go out to eat afterwards. Meanwhile, I have an application for college due tomorrow, with half of one essay written and none of the second written. I don't have half the application itself filled out, so I apologize if I seem a little bit upset and stressed, considering it's been the only thing on my mind for about two weeks. I apologize if I snap at you for asking stupid questions or for responding quite calmly to your comments on my essay and then you freaking out at me for giving you "attitude". I apologize if you've made me cry myself to sleep four out of the past seven days. I apologize that Senior Class Play and Environmental Club alone have eaten up most of my free time, and that I haven't had time to fill out an application since last week. I apologize that I need an increase in medication because all of this stress and work has been keeping me up at night. I apologize that I'm such a horrible inconvenience to you.

Get off of your fucking pedestal. I never denied the fact that you have troubles of your own, but just FYI: So does fucking everyone else.

Love, Kara

Volatile

I am running out of time. I simply cannot do everything I'm asked.

I'm so much better without you

So, here I go again, getting myself even more confused. Mel and I were talking on facebook, and I thought that she was finally ready to sit down and have an honest talk about our relationship. Instead, she drags her own life into the conversation and I am reminded once again of how selfish she is.

The conversation went astray when she asked me my opinion on something that had to do with her boyfriend. I've never been in love, I've never wanted to be in love. I have really no educated opinion to give, but I tried with the best of my ability to be a supportive friend. I told her that I haven't had the greatest of experiences with boys so I wasn't really the one to ask. And then she throws this at me (a direct quote):

"I think your input was just fine, and the boys you've been with have been losers anyway. :P"

First of all, she does not have ANY RIGHT to say that whatsoever. She knows just as much about my relationships as I do about hers. Which is nothing. I know she didn't mean for it to sound that way, but it sounds incredibly rude and I don't even know how to respond to that. I want to scream at her, I want to rage at her, I want to tell her how I really feel about everything. I want to never see her again and I want things to go back to how they were at the same time. I never thought I'd have so much difficulty with this.

Whatever it takes

Well, the holidays are almost here, I very badly need a job, and, as usual, I am daydreaming about the future instead of focusing on my present.

Back in June

I've been sick with either regular flu or swine flu for the past few days, and it doesn't show any signs of release. I've been drinking rediculous amounts of tea and TheraFlu. I just wish my nose wasn't so cold and I could breathe properly. :(

Also, I talked to Jennings last week and he suggested that instead of going into a creative writing major, I go in as English and then do Creative Writing in grad school. It's a good idea, and I understand why it's a good idea, I just dont know if I want to spend the extra time or money I don't have on grad school. It would mean starting my college search all over, which I am already way too far in. I don't know, I have to consider it.

P.S. I miss Block Island.

Open up

Lately I've been feeling stressed out about schoolwork and after-school activities and friends. For a few weeks at the beginning of the year I did a fabulous job balancing them, but lately I've been having 6-day school weeks and it's brining me down, big time. I've lost so much sleep over the past few weeks, and I just don't have the time to catch up on it. I've been snapping at everyone, mostly my mom and my brother. I've had so many things to do, and it just seems like there is no time to do it. Luckily on Wednesday we have a half-day, and I know my friends are going to ask to hang out but honestly I think I just need some time to myself, for sleep and homework and personal relaxation time.

Also I went to Diane's for the first time in about four months, and it seemed that most of my venting/raging went towards Mel. I've started to unfairly become angry at her, and I've started to just dismiss her problems as inferior to mine. I know it's wrong and that I shouldn't just hate on her for the sake of hating on her but I do and I am going to continue doing it because it makes me feel better. I've started to forget that we have a real relationship and friendship and I feel like she's started to become my enemy. I have a feeling that this is just a phase, and that once I get out all of my raging I'll start caring about her again. I know I will.