Reflections

Kelsie told me a few weeks ago that Kyle "was like in love" with me. Nice to know what an asshole I am.

In the moment

I love my friends. I really, really do.

I suck

I'm feeling so stressed out to the point of sickness, and I can't take much more of this. Tomorrow is the show, and after that it's all over. I can't wait to have my life back. However, there is still the mistake I made earlier today that I'm beating myself up over. It seems like after every little thing, I want to cry, and I'm too stressed out to handle any of this anymore.

Caffine and Love Notes

December's here, another four weeks of madness, anxiety, laughs, fights, learning, forgetting, spending and saving. Another four weeks to have an astounding, life-altering revelation, to realize that yes, Kyle broke my heart but that doesn't mean I can't survive. Mel and I are no longer best friends but that doesn't mean we can't have fun. The girls and I always have our problems but that doesn't mean we can't sort them out. Mom isn't home anymore and I feel alone in a big house most nights but that doesn't mean I can't be strong. John's in the hospital with a coma but that doesn't mean he won't make it. Erica doesn't see me everyday but that doesn't mean I have no one to talk to when I really need it.

These are the only people I have. I can't just push them away because I'm being anti-social, or I don't want to face the problem obstructing me. Eventually, I will have to talk to Kyle and I will have to get over being annoyed at Mel. I will have to be strong and bear through it all and work out my problems one by one. Everything feels so frayed right now and it's easier just to curl up in my bed and hide from the world.

Underneath it all

I'm trying to be really proactive about Christmas this year; in past years I've always left shopping to the last minute and have always seemed to miss someone. But this year I'm being smart about it, and I'm actually really excited to go through the shops and find some really special things for everyone.

My Thanksgiving was lovely; I spent it with Mel at my Uncle's house in Rhode Island. She was very pleasant and we took a lot of good shots for my Senior pictures. (:

Lately it has been my hair that has been bothering me the most, which is fantastic in terms of anxiety. I've been constantly moaning and groaning about how I want it to grow out, I want to get it thinned, I want more bangs, etc. I'm definitely excited for when I get my hair done.

Also, the song "Northern Downpour" by Panic! at the Disco has been on repeat for the past few days. I didn't think I'd like new Panic, but this song is surprisingly comforting, probably because it reminds me of the Northeast. I really love when I get obsessed with songs and they are constantly playing on my iPod, in the car, around the house, or I'm singing or humming them throughout the day. My friends get so annoyed with me when this happens, but they end up listening to those songs too.

I'm hoping this weekend will be a productive one, and I'm far too excited for Thanksgiving Break!

Irate

Dear Self-Victimizing Mother,

I had just as long of a day as you have; I did just as much work for just as long of a time. You even got to go out to eat afterwards. Meanwhile, I have an application for college due tomorrow, with half of one essay written and none of the second written. I don't have half the application itself filled out, so I apologize if I seem a little bit upset and stressed, considering it's been the only thing on my mind for about two weeks. I apologize if I snap at you for asking stupid questions or for responding quite calmly to your comments on my essay and then you freaking out at me for giving you "attitude". I apologize if you've made me cry myself to sleep four out of the past seven days. I apologize that Senior Class Play and Environmental Club alone have eaten up most of my free time, and that I haven't had time to fill out an application since last week. I apologize that I need an increase in medication because all of this stress and work has been keeping me up at night. I apologize that I'm such a horrible inconvenience to you.

Get off of your fucking pedestal. I never denied the fact that you have troubles of your own, but just FYI: So does fucking everyone else.

Love, Kara

Volatile

I am running out of time. I simply cannot do everything I'm asked.

I'm so much better without you

So, here I go again, getting myself even more confused. Mel and I were talking on facebook, and I thought that she was finally ready to sit down and have an honest talk about our relationship. Instead, she drags her own life into the conversation and I am reminded once again of how selfish she is.

The conversation went astray when she asked me my opinion on something that had to do with her boyfriend. I've never been in love, I've never wanted to be in love. I have really no educated opinion to give, but I tried with the best of my ability to be a supportive friend. I told her that I haven't had the greatest of experiences with boys so I wasn't really the one to ask. And then she throws this at me (a direct quote):

"I think your input was just fine, and the boys you've been with have been losers anyway. :P"

First of all, she does not have ANY RIGHT to say that whatsoever. She knows just as much about my relationships as I do about hers. Which is nothing. I know she didn't mean for it to sound that way, but it sounds incredibly rude and I don't even know how to respond to that. I want to scream at her, I want to rage at her, I want to tell her how I really feel about everything. I want to never see her again and I want things to go back to how they were at the same time. I never thought I'd have so much difficulty with this.

Whatever it takes

Well, the holidays are almost here, I very badly need a job, and, as usual, I am daydreaming about the future instead of focusing on my present.

Back in June

I've been sick with either regular flu or swine flu for the past few days, and it doesn't show any signs of release. I've been drinking rediculous amounts of tea and TheraFlu. I just wish my nose wasn't so cold and I could breathe properly. :(

Also, I talked to Jennings last week and he suggested that instead of going into a creative writing major, I go in as English and then do Creative Writing in grad school. It's a good idea, and I understand why it's a good idea, I just dont know if I want to spend the extra time or money I don't have on grad school. It would mean starting my college search all over, which I am already way too far in. I don't know, I have to consider it.

P.S. I miss Block Island.

Open up

Lately I've been feeling stressed out about schoolwork and after-school activities and friends. For a few weeks at the beginning of the year I did a fabulous job balancing them, but lately I've been having 6-day school weeks and it's brining me down, big time. I've lost so much sleep over the past few weeks, and I just don't have the time to catch up on it. I've been snapping at everyone, mostly my mom and my brother. I've had so many things to do, and it just seems like there is no time to do it. Luckily on Wednesday we have a half-day, and I know my friends are going to ask to hang out but honestly I think I just need some time to myself, for sleep and homework and personal relaxation time.

Also I went to Diane's for the first time in about four months, and it seemed that most of my venting/raging went towards Mel. I've started to unfairly become angry at her, and I've started to just dismiss her problems as inferior to mine. I know it's wrong and that I shouldn't just hate on her for the sake of hating on her but I do and I am going to continue doing it because it makes me feel better. I've started to forget that we have a real relationship and friendship and I feel like she's started to become my enemy. I have a feeling that this is just a phase, and that once I get out all of my raging I'll start caring about her again. I know I will.

I'm tired, I just wanna lie back down.

I've been crying all night, and it sucks because I had such an awesome day. Listening to Chasing Lights again made me burst into tears, but this time not over him- it was over Mel, and I knew that she was my last remaining source of unhappiness. So, since I knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it otherwise, I went on facebook, opened our inbox messaging chat, and started typing. I saved what I wrote, but didn't send it. And it was exactly what I felt I had left to say to her. I know that once I am ready to send this out, that's it. This is the last shot I am giving her, and unless she is ready and willing to spring into action and fix our relationship, then I am done making any attempts. I've already tried this a number of times, and this is it for me. I have already initiated enough conversations on the topic, tried to get my point across enough times, gave her the enough chances to work things out. From that point on, it's in her hands. And I will refuse to let our relationship upset me any more than it already has. From that point on, what she chooses to do with my letter is her decision. Any steps she chooses to take from there will be her doing. I am done doing all the work on our relationship.

I need to go back to Diane. If I hold this in any longer, I swear I'm going to burst.

Forever is over

I'm not sure if I'm excited about school or not, but it's coming up in a week and I'm so depressed about summer ending. I feel like I don't know where the summer went, and I guess I'll feel a lot better once I finish my summer homework. I will have my lisence soon, I may be getting Krista's old job, and I will be a senior in high school, so I feel like I should be on top of the world, but I'm not. It's the summer homework, it's not knowing what to expect for APENG, it's my last year and I have a brand new principal who is supposedly a dictator. I want to be able to enjoy this year, I want to suddenly, magically be able to balance everything when I failed in the past. But right now, I'm not prepared, and it would be sort of awesome if I could be.

The Lord of Time

I wish I knew how not to procrastinate, how to balance my time well and efficiently, but I guess that it's part of being human. We were made without time management manuals, but now apparently you can buy them at Barnes and Noble for $14.99. I don't think that it's really anything someone can teach us, but something that we have to teach ourselves. I don't know exactly how much I can get out of a book that I can't learn from mistakes or past experience. But at the same time, people are afraid to make mistakes, to learn things for themselves, to be looked at like a failure. So they buy these books and waste obs and gobs of time learning how to manage time, like it's some kind of unruly filing system. But I think that time can go as fast or slow as it wants, while still keeping the same beat of the minutes and seconds and hours that can either fly or crawl by. It's difficult, and it takes discipline but if you can waste $14.99 and a day of your life on a time management book, then maybe you have more discipline than I do.

Not Alone

Lately I don't even know what to think. I am just so stressed and anxious and upset all the time, and I don't even know why. It just feels like all of my problems are weighing down on me, and I can't do anything with them. I feel heavy with that weight. I keep trying to look towards the future, towards my lisence (next week!) and senior year and college, but it's just those nights that I stay up at 2 AM listening to The Playlist, that all of these things come back to the front of my mind, and torment me.

Things I am currently anxious/depressed about:

• My mother
• Kyle
• Mel
• Therapy

I just cannot keep up with my mother's moods anymore. I am done walking on eggshells around her and if she snaps at me, now I just snap right back. My fuse is very short lately, and she needs to learn that. I'm tired of being angry all the time at her.

Every time I stay up at 2 AM my thoughts always wander to Kyle. I think of all the things I should have said to him and didn't, all the things I want to say to him and won't. He won't care, no one cares. I have no idea how I have held on for this long but really, it needs to end soon. I need to move on with my life, I need to find someone else who will treat me better. And the sad, sad truth (which I've cried over for many nights) is that I would do anything to have him back in my life. But I know I can't. And it really, really sucks.

I've come to the realization that Mel is no longer one of my best friends. That also really, really sucks. I feel like such a terrible person and that it's all my fault and that I could have done more to save our friendship, but none of that is really true. And that really sucks too. For years, she used to be my sole confidant, the one person whose opinion I cared about and mattered. I miss her like crazy, but mostly I miss the person she used to be. The people we both used to be. I'm trying to accept all of this but it's hard. It's really hard to accept the fact that the person who has been the main pillar in your life for almost ten years is no longer there, and it's neither of your faults.

And I really want to tell all of this to one of my therapists, any third party who is willing to listen to me and give me advice. But I've missed most of my appointments and I really need to go soon before I have a panic attack, because I can feel one coming.

She

Would you use a stage name if you became famous? If yes, what would it be?
No, I would want everyone to know I was famous hahaha

Has something heavy ever fallen on top of you?
I don't think so, I mostly fall off of heavy stuff.

Have you ever drank Hennessy?
No, I don't know what that is haha

Would you ever get one of those UV light tattoos?
NO BUT THEY LOOK SO COOL AHH. I wouldn't get one because they fade wicked fast and require a rediculous amount of touching up to keep and they're just not worth it.

Could you handle being without your best friend or significant other for more than a month?
Yes. I would miss them like crazy but it's been done before.

Do you toss and turn in your sleep?
Yes. I also take off sweatshirts in my sleep. They end up neatly on the floor. It's really creepy.

When you were younger, did you sleep alone or with someone?
I shared a room with my brother, because we lived in a two bedroom apartment.

Are you afraid of the dark or were you ever?
I'm not afraid of the dark, but if I am with a bunch of people who are I get freaked out because they freak out.

How often do you sing?
Lots and lots. I enjoy making my brother's ears bleed.

How did you wake up today?
idk, by myself.

Are you doing anything else besides filling this out?
Nope.

What kind of beverages have you had today?
Water, apple juice, iced coffe, soda.

Look straight ahead past the computer screen; what do you see?
My pillow, the phone and the lamp, and the wall.

Are you doing anything fun tonight?
No

Have you ever cried while on the phone with someone?
Yes

What should you be doing right now?
Cleaning so I can SLEEP

Do you have any drugs in your bedroom?
Nope

Have you ever seen the last person that you messaged naked?
Underwear

Do you want to see someone right now?
My pillow

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before?
Probably

Do you hate the last person you fell the hardest for?
Yes.

When was the last time you had a late night phone conversation?
Very long ago.

What is bothering you right now?
Anxieties

Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three days?
Yes

Who was the last person you were on a bed with?
Molly!

If you could have any animal as a pet, which animal would you choose?
My kitty

What woke you up this morning?
You already asked this.

Do you tend to put lyrics/quotes up on your status?
Yes

Which is more of a pain to you: Shaving your legs or shaving your arm pits?
Both!

If you could be any bird, what would you be?
A hawk or a dove. Or maybe a robin.

Is there anything hanging from your bedroom ceiling?
Light fixtures

Have you ever bought movie tickets online?
Not in a long time

Do you make a lot of those kissy faces when you take pictures?
No

Do you yell at random people while riding on rollercoasters?
No?

Are peaches yummy?
Yes

Do you ever say "Watz Gucci?"?
wtf

Do you have feelings for the last person you kissed?
No

What do you usually order from McDonald's?
Fries and a soda

Do you know what a "V Card" means?
Yes

Do you ever say sex, fuck or make love?
sex

Does it take a lot for you to say "I love you" to your significant other?
No significant other, so it works

Do you think dogs can really see in black and white?
No

Do you have expensive taste?
I dont think so

Aniston or Jolie?
ANISTON.

Do you think that 9/11 was carried out by the government?
No, Bush wasn't that smart.

Have you ever spent an entire weekend completely trashed?
No

When was the last time you slept over at someone elses house?
Yesterday

What was the last thing you got mad about?
People

Have you ever had sex in the room that you're in?
No

Do you listen to Spice Girls or Nsync still?
Both!

What was the last concert that you attended?
Death Cab in October

Have you ever used a magnifyed glass to burn bugs?
No, but I have drowned them.

Instead of watching the movie, do you ever go on Wikipedia and just read the plot summary?
Sometimes if I started at like the midde.

Has a video you've made and uploaded anywhere became popular?
Nope.

Have you ever had to take a friend to the hospital before? What happened?
No

Have you ever lived in a hotel for any reason?
No

Does your Dad and his Dad have a good relationship with each other?
I guess so?

Do you tend to be the "wallflower"?
Sometimes. I've become a lot more secluded in the past few years.

Have any of your friends committed suicide?
No

Have you ever tried to help someone but it just blew up in your face?
Yes

Would you ever erase memories of a former lover?
No

Have you ever had a crush on a married man? Co-worker?
Nope

Have you ever hallucinated before?
Nope

Are you addicted to anything at all right now?
No

Have you ever dealt drugs? What if you really needed the money?
Nope

Do you know anyone in your life that is HIV positive?
I think so? I can't remember.

In your family, would you say there's more boys or girls?
I havent noticed a difference

Do you have any flaws that you try and hide?
Yes, all of them. haha

Have you ever fallen in love with someone that you didn't expect to?
Not love, but heavy like.

Go on

Yesterday I had a long talk with Erica about my relationship with Mel. She agreed with me in the debate I've been having for like 6 months with my therapist and mother. My therapist and mother both think that I need to continue being Mel's friend because she is my oldest friend. However this has nothing to do with how much we have both changed, and they don't realize that. I love Mel with all my heart and would do anything for her, but more often than not she makes me want to pull my hair out. And none of it is her fault, we've just changed. We've both severely damaged the relationship. And that's where I'm stuck. I can talk to her about it until I'm blue in the face but that won't change anything between us, except for creating a weird, awkward tension knowing that there are banned subjects of conversation between us, knowing that we're different people now. That shouldn't happen in a friendship, and I don't really know what to do about it.

Overboard

The other day I was hanging out with Mel, and we were at Borders. I had just remembered McFly was in a magazine, and I was desperately looking for it. Mel was following me around, saying, "What on earth are you looking for?" And when I told her, she did one of those typical, rolling-her-eyes-and-sighing things. After we had already discussed the differences between our musical tastes. After we had already discussed that she doesn't have to like the things that I like. After we had already discussed that I want her to support my tastes, just like I do hers.

She had already bought three magazines while I was still looking for the McFly magazine, including one with the Decemberists (a favourite band of hers) on the cover. She continued to follow me around, complaining: "Can we go now? Can we go now? Can we go now?" And I just kept snapping, "No. No. No." I wasn't finished looking. It was like my wants didn't matter to her. It's just frustrating that after almost 8 years of friendship, it's gotten to this point. It really makes me want to put my head through a wall.

It's real for us

For my 18th birthday, I've decided that I want a Harry Potter tattoo, after seeing so many awesome and amazing ones. Having been a fan since I was in third grade, I don't think I'll regret it. My problem is that I don't know what to get! There are so many aspects of the series and the fandom that I love and that are dear to me, that I just can't pick one. I'll have to re-read the series again with a notebook to decide what quote, image, or combination I want. I'm really excited about this; I've always wanted a tattoo but never knew what to get.

Post graduation

Today was just a plain horrible day. I was sick, dealing with shit I didn't want to deal with, along with other stuff.

I realized that I need to increase my dosage of anti anxiety, because although I no longer stress over little things, I still stress a lot over the big things (today being an excellent example of that). I realized that I still put myself down in a different way than before, and that not everything is as bright and happy as I thought it was.

Now I'm going to go upstairs and crawl into bed.

it'll be better, when we're together

I feel like this summer is going to be better than any I've ever had. I am surrounded by good friends and good vibes. I can't wait for the summer; when I'll be able to hang around with my friends all day and not worry about schoolwork, or be restricted by my parents. By the summer, I'll have my lisence, and everything will be good. I'll get a car, get a job, go on college visits. I'll write and work on my college essay, and make every day a full day. Life will be good.

The past few weeks have been mind-blowing, and through many, many summer-esque moments, I feel as if I'm finally learning how to be a teenager. Life will be good.

I've made more appointments for my onroads to get my lisence. I'm really excited to finally be finished.

I want summer, so badly.

Set me off

I've hung out with my friends for three out of the past four days this week, and it feels really good. However, I've been really panicky about whether or not I am annoying to my friends, and whether or not my friends think I am ignoring them or that I don't care about them. Because I do, I really do. My friends are everything to me, and I feel awful when I haven't talked to someone in a while, because more likely than not they think I'm a snobby bitch.

Also, people have started to think I'm bi? I hold hands with girls all the time in school, but honestly. People need to stop reading into things. I'm best friends with three bisexuals, and I accept them completely. I'm not uncomfortable holding hands with anyone. I'm slightly alarmed by the number of people who believe that rumor, but I know that it's not true and so do all of my friends, so that's all that matters for me.

However, due to circumstances last year, I'm content to ignore my love life and any possible feelings. I don't want to get hurt again.

Seven weeks until the summer

I haven't been feeling better. I haven't been any more motivated, and I haven't felt like doing anything much more than moping. All I want to do is eat Nutella, sleep, and read. I always want to be by myself.

One of my close friends in middle school died last week, and I just got back from her wake. It's completely surreal, and everytime I think about it, I want to cry. I don't believe she's actually dead. And it was completely heartbreaking to see her family and her family's friends all outside, laughing and talking and having a good time. She didn't deserve to be treated by her family like that.

I'm so sick of school. I need a vacation, soon.

Stormy weather

My report card for third term came in yesterday, and I got four B's and three A's. I know this isn't a bad report card, but I'm not impressed or satisfied with myself whatsoever. I know I can do better than this, and I should have. Now is not the time to be messing around. Especially with AP classes coming up next year, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I really expected better of myself.

I swear, I'm my own Asian parent.

Things I have to do today before Dad picks me up:

• Laundry
• Cat box
• Clean the bathrooms
• Fridgerate beers
• Sweep the kitchen
• Pack
• English project
• French project
• Algebra homework
• Shower
• Take pills

What have I done so far?

• Printed out 50 pages worth of fanfiction
• Ate breakfast
• Watched HGTV for 4 hours

It's at these times when I really fucking hate myself.

Starting over

I really hate how bipolar I can be. I have no doubts that it gets on other people's nerves too. I'm hoping that my consultation for my anxiety goes over well, because although I'm terrified of the effects of anti-anxiety meds, I really hope they'll help me calm down and stop unnecessarily worrying over stupid little things. I hope they'll help me to deal with the big things.

I need to start my homework before Friday. I need to start writing this goddamn chapter!

All the happiness

I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. I feel some people are pushing and shoving their way to be more important than others in my life, which cannot happen. Family always comes first for me; I have a big family who I don't see very often so I have to accomodate them when the opportunity arises. At the moment, I'm very stressed, scared, confused, and tired, and I feel that even though I want to be in Waltham with my Dad and my best friend, I really should be back home with my mom. She can calm me down when I feel like this; and she can comfort me. I want to be with my family, not just my friends. I've traveled far too much since the last time I've taken a break, and I feel I need to sit back and relax for a while. I want to spend quality time with my dad, but he doesn't realize how much I've been through these past few months, and how tired I really am. Just as everyone else is getting up after the long winter, I'm ready to hibernate. I'm scared.

I need longer than a week to fix what's wrong with me.

30 minutes and a library

I've just fallen in to more friend drama, which actually doesn't have anything to do with my directly, but I can't help but try and mediate the situation, and throw my advice in before they ruin everyone's lives. I don't want this to destory everyone's friendships, and sometimes I think they're just being selfish because they don't care about anyone else's feelings, directly or indirectly. That group of friends is supposed to be everyone's security, a group of people with whom we all feel safe and content. We are supposed to be able to spill anything and everything to each other, and with this potential rift, we can't help but take sides, and it's going to destroy us if we don't step in.

I'm such a fucking American.

Happy Easter!

I feel like I would be so much happier if summer was here. I am in dire need of a vacation.

Things I need to work on:

• my English paper
• getting over my fear of confrontation
• telling both of you how what I really feel
• obtaining my driver's license

Sleep

Lately I've had no desire to eat as much junk food as I would usually on any given week. For two weeks now, I've bought nothing but fruit, water and health bars. Just thinking about all of the sugar and fats that I normally consume makes me lose my appetite. I realized this when a few minutes ago my dad offered me potato chips, and I declined, and then he suggested grapes, which I went insane over.

Now I am going to continue to procrastinate on the seven-page research paper that is due on Monday.

Down

There are no words for how I feel about you. You always tend to ruin my day. I'm going to move on, and find someone better. I will be happy.

this is my last blog about you.

I try to be as understanding as possible with one of my friends, who is slowly slipping away from me. We are just growing in two separate directions, and that's perfectly okay. But I think she's sort of in denial about it and as a result, every little thing she does irritates me. I am at my wit's end with her, and I feel if she makes one more comment that irks me it will send me over the edge. We are just not the same people anymore, and I really have no clue what to do about our friendship. Obviously, I want to remain friends, as she is one of my closest, but she is really trying my patience.

For example, I am not allowed to talk about essentially any music that I like. I am not allowed to talk about my other friends, who I am not allowed to call my best friends. My other friends have been calling me their best friend for a while now, and I feel guilty for not being able to say the same about them. I am just generally not allowed to be myself around her anymore, and it's really sad that she can't appreciate and accept who I am now.

good morning

It's so nice out. I am so profoundly glad to see humanity again, with everyone out and about in the nice weather. People are out working on their cars, taking bike rides, walking out on the sidewalks- its just so refreshing to see real, live people out on the streets again, and it gives me hope in the world.

Today I need to buy new flip flops and maybe some sunglasses. My cool 80's glasses broke yesterday. :(

I want my lisence so badly. I also want my cute little Volkswagen Beetle, in which my friends and I will have many fun, summer adventures.

I need more motivation in life.

i'm not bitter

I think the main differences between Fancy New Kara and Old Kara are that I can now accept that people change, that people come in and out of our lives, and that people in Old Kara's life can coexist peacefully with Fancy New Kara's life as our own individual selves. I am surprisingly okay with all of these differences; no one is at fault for liking different things. I just wish other people would accept all of these things.

Rain

Things that make me feel happy:
- Dunkin Donuts
- my best friend
- McFly
- Twilight
- Antony and Danny

This is not a long list.

I'll always come back home

This week has been (and is going to continue to be) very, very busy. Prom is next weekend, and I hardly have anything done. The college search is amping up, and we're starting with college fairs. I have to keep up with all of this (plus life) with a cold. I would just like for my immune system to work, for once. Also, I am concerned with my increasing use of pharmaceuticals.

Spring is just around the corner, and I am on my hands and knees, begging for its arrival.

I breathe in the darkest country road

This past week was very much a rollercoaster for me, not only in situations, but also in hormones and self-esteem. It seems as if I am doing fine, but when I let myself think, numerous things pop up and I just can't handle it. I haven't seen my therapist in over a month, and won't see her until late next week. I am on my last thread.

I would feel so much better if spring was here.

This rotten game we play

I am on paragraph number two of my five paragraph essay for English, due tomorrow. Yay procrastination! I hope that by next year, I will have mastered the skill of completing assignments on time. I am writing this from my mother's laptop, making me wish I had my own back. My laptop has been broken for at least three years. The laptop I'm currently on also makes me want Vista, a little. :(

I've also run into an unusual amount of people while out and about this week. Of course, I didn't talk to them (this is New England), but I did explain my connection to them to my aunt. I've also been noticing the amount of times my airway has been blocked in any given week. It's getting a bit ridiculous.

I have a massive paper due tomorrow, which I didn't even start yet. :) I am the worlds biggest procrastinator, honestly. Today I plan on cleaning the house, going out with my Aunt to the best burger joint in New England, and somehow, by 11:30 PM or so, I will have gotten my paper done.

Also, my first Creative Writing workshop went exceptionally well.

Still blue

All last week was filled with the stress of preparing my mother to leave for her vacation, and although I didn't want her to go, it was too late to do anything about it. Now we're staying with my aunt, and although I love her, the fact that my mother is gone eats at me. What's stranger is that I am not usually this attached to her. Now this week has been off to a bad start, and I have a feeling the rest of the week won't be any better.

Spiec Girls

Today six of my friends and I all went to IHOP afterschool for free pancakes! They were delicious, and we had a great time dancing in the car and getting strange looks from old people and children. Really, it's just another day in the life with my friends.

Although I feel relatively secure in all my friendships, I still feel afraid of being an annoyance to everyone. I don't know what my problem is, everyone says they love me more than once a day.

Oh, how I've yet to be saved

I saw a certain boy again today, and I can't help but wonder if the face I involuntarily make occurs before I leave his eyesight, or after. I can't imagine that it's a terribly pleasant face; I don't have many terribly pleasant memories with him. I wonder if he ever sees that face.

Despite the massive amount of ice that is currently on the ground from the storm last night, I remain hopeful about spring. Winter cannot leave us fast enough, and I am desparate for any hint of spring.

Most likely to be voted "Adorable"

What a mission the past few days have been, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

In other news, my love for 90's & early 2000's music has grown exponentially. :) I just used exponentially in a sentence. Also, on an even more unrelated topic, I really wish people were more optimistic. I get weared down trying to lift their spirits all day.

Dear Life,

When did my friends ever get so demanding? I am only one person, and I can only do one thing at a time. The amount of people I have to update hourly with my plans is getting exhausting. What ever happened to "whatever happens, happens"?

Also, the amount of food vs. the amount of liquid I consume has changed dramatically. Meaning that I've been drinking a lot more to make up for the amount of food I've stopped eating. I just forget, and now I'm eating perfectly good pork chops that are starting to taste like vomit. I don't think I'm very healthy.

Love, Me

This is our fate, I'm yours

I miss summer. Hooray for being on February vacation and everything, but honestly, I need the warmth again. This is the time of year when you feel like winter just might stay forever.

"I'm not a cat-killer."

Yesterday was Adventure Day for Devon, Katie, and I, and after picking up our usual drinks at Starbucks, we drove all over. First, we went to Newbury Comics, and amused ourselves with their amazing Doctor Who collectibles. Then, we went in search for decent Post-its for an hour, finally finding them at Target. Then, we came back to my house and chilled for a little while.

Basically, yesterday was a mission. :)

On your convenience

Today was my first day back to school since Friday, when I got dismissed. I've been very sick the past few days, and today didn't do anything to help speed up my recovery. Still, I had to be there. I still feel like I'm dying. :(

On the other hand, Adventure Day is tomorrow. :)

Call me a liar, but I'm not lying

Whatever provoked you to send me that, I have no idea. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I have no idea how to respond to this, and now this is making it really awkward. I don't know. I know what you went through with your previous significant other, but you have no idea what I went through with mine. I am not ready for that, as pathetic as it sounds. I'm not ready to dance again. I don't know when I will be; I can't trust boys anymore. I had a lot of fun with you, but I just don't see you that way. I'm sorry, and I feel like such an idiot for letting you fall like that. I probably should have said something.

I don't know how I get boys to fall for me, still, when I don't do anything whatsoever. They are very low on my priority list, I don't know how I still make it to the top on theirs.

Mission

My new New Years Resolution: to either stop introducing/influencing people to my favorite music, movies, shows, books, things, etc., or to stop letting it get under my skin when I introduce/influence said things to people and they actually enjoy them. Mine is an exclusive club, I don't know why I'm such a snob about it.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. But it's annoying.

Going through the motions

Currently battling a strange illness, I got dismissed at noon from school yesterday by my neighbor. She said I had a fever, which would explain my delirious state while I was at school. I felt like a zombie. Last night I didn't feel any better; I kept waking up and was generally restless. Thank goodness for weekends.

In other news, my counselor and I came to the conclusion that one of my closest friends tends to take advantage of me, whether she knows it or not. The terminoligy used was "she takes more than she gives". I don't really know how to go about handling the situation; I can't just push her out of my life, because she's my best friend. Whenever this has happened in the past I just tend to stop being friends with them, but in this case that's not an option.

Tuna and pickles

I just got back from my first on-road. I was calm and comfortable, I just have a nervous habit of taking one hand off the wheel to play with my wedding ring whenever I drive.

Tomorrow is a half-day (and possibly a snow day!), and afterschool Katie, Devon, and I were supposed to go to Ihop for breakfast. With the snowstorm, that's not going to happen. :(

This week is being spent with my Doctor Who DVDs. I have a ridiculous amount of love for that show. It's going to be so upsetting when Matt Smith starts.

My eyes are bright too

A friend who has previously opposed my obsession with British television finally sat down with me yesterday and watched Doctor Who, Nevermind the Buzzcocks, and Skins. Needless to say, she is now a fan.

I don't mean to pat myself on the back, or anything, but when it comes to entertainment, I'm hardly ever wrong.

I feel sleepy.

Today felt more like a missed opportunity than anything. I could have gone somewhere tonight, and didn't. Instead I drove my drugged-out mother to Target and Marshalls, and got Starbucks and sweatpants.

My two friends who I've grown close to over this year are starting to repeat the mistakes of last year's flame. The thought of him still hurts, and I refuse to put myself through the same kind of pain. I am not going to tolerate it a second time.

Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!

Today I stayed home and watched the Inauguration with my cat.

I think the name President Obama has a nice ring to it.

Tall Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino

At 12:30 we made our plans to go to Starbucks afterschool, just because Ciara wanted coffee. So Ciara, Devon, Katie, and I go, and we bring a coffee back to school for Vicki, who was in GSA. I love our spontaneous trips right out of school. :) They make the whole day better, ahaha.

Nostalgic?

Today I saw a freshman at school who looked exactly like Daniel Radcliffe circa the first Harry Potter movie. It was awesome. :)

It's far too early in the daytime

Currently I'm waiting for the water to boil for my dinner. I'm making ziti with chicken, I feel like such a chef! :)

Today I got home from school to find my mother deathly sick in bed. I drove us to my doctor's appointment, and was out of there by 3:30 or so. I drove to Mel's, and we hung out for the first time since November, and watched all four hours of the current season of 24. I love that show, so much, ugh.

So while I'm waiting for dinner, I'm going to do some homework. Thank god I'm staying after school tomorrow for Art Honor Society, I can get help with my English paper. Oi vey. Sometimes I feel like I'm overworking myself, but it's what worked last year to get my butt into gear for MCAS, and I'm hoping it'll work this year for SATs, and college apps. I slightly envy my mom for being so sick. :/

"Four for you, Kevin Jonas! You go, Kevin Jonas!"

The last week made me realize how much closer I've grown to my current friends, and that makes me happy. I've eliminated everyone from my life whose relationships were unhealthy for me, and now for the most part I'm surrounded by good influences. Now all I need to work on are my procrastination habits and my laziness. I really just hate winter.

I think there has been a cease-fire between a close friend and I, and I think (or hope) that we can continue where we left off in our friendship. I miss her lots and lots, and I really hope this is the end of all our petty arguing, fighting, and cold shoulders. I miss my friend.

To make us all fit back together

It bothers me when my weekend routine is distrupted. I don't really care about your date with your girlfriend. I have somewhere to be, too, you know. Failing to tell anyone your plans shouldn't constitute panic on my side of this deal. I shouldn't have to make the calls.

On the up hand, my counselor says that I've become a lot calmer since last year. I no longer rip up Kleenexes, which apparently was a nervous habit of mine.

Don't tell me what's gonna happen next

Today was the first time in three weeks that I've hung out with my friends at lunch. With all the chatter and jokes going around the table, it made me realize how much I love and missed them. :) Hopefully our Doctor Who marathon will be happening soon, I got all four seasons!

Just call it a day

Why is always something with you? Why can't we have a happy, normal relationship? Why does everything we say on the internet not transfer over to real life?

I don't know why you are so afraid to open up to me. I'm your best friend. I'm here for you.

thanks for the memories

Finally, 2008 is over. In some aspects, I'm upset. It's been an exciting, action-packed year, full of new experiences and situations. I've grown a lot, I've met lots of new and amazing people, and I've learned a lot about my friends and the world in general. In other aspects, I'm so glad this year is over. It's been an emotionally and physically exhausting year, full of fights, drama, and nervous breakdowns. The stress I put myself under in 2008 was astounding, and I know I found a lot of inner strength to have to deal with all that. Not to mention the rollercoaster I was on at the beginning of the year, dealing with a certain boy. 2008 saw me through my highest highs and my lowest lows, and although it hasn't been an easy year, it certainly has been one of the most rewarding.

2008 is over, and there's no going back. I'm not going to dwell on the past; I'm going to think about the future and live in the present. Goodbye 2008, it was fun while it lasted.